Top Quotes: “Communion” -bell hooks

“When women talk about what they find likable in a man, they say traits like kindness, strength of character, and integrity. Yet they end up with distant, ill-tempered guys who sulk around a lot and don’t pick up after themselves.”

I’ve begun to take notes while reading after noticing a trend of often reading books, enjoying them, and then not being able to remember any specifics from them shortly after. My method of note-taking? Simply writing down quotes that stand out to me. Since I think a lot of the knowledge I gain from reading has insights that my friends would also find of interest, I’ve decided to use Facebook notes as a forum to share.

Here’s my first take at this!

Background: bell hooks is one of the most famous feminist writers of our time. She wrote a three-part series on love & feminism. Book number three — “Communion” — focuses specifically on feminist women’s search for love. I found some parts of it relatable as a gay male who is searching for love and even more pieces of it pertinent to conversations I have with women I know who are searching for love.

Patriarchy & Love

“If you don’t feel love from your family during adolescence, you may feel a need to prove that you’re worthy of romantic love.”

“Patriarchal approval matters more than love in society.”

“Patriarchy sees love as women’s work, so it is devalued.”

“Men substitute care for love and submission for respect.”

“Women now have enormous freedom in a world that is not yet fully accepting of our freedom.”

Marriage

“Feminism made divorce (instead of staying in unhappy marriages) a thing even for women who would never call themselves feminists.”

“Love could lead you astray. Marriage was the safe place — a place where women could bury dreams and pretend, create a make-believe world and live there forever.”

“My Grandparents had separate bedrooms. They taught me by example that it was possible to be married and still keep your own identity.”

“Men did not care if we were their equals everywhere — as long as they remained our superiors — the ones in charge, the ones on top — in the bedroom.”

Issues: Awareness vs. Change

“At times it is both frustrating and tragically ironic that we have more awareness of issues (like body image and eating disorders) as a nation than ever before and yet so little has changed.”

“It is much too easy for everyone to forget that awareness of problems alone is not a solution. Heightened awareness often gives the illusion that a problem is lessening. This is most often not the case.”

Self-Love

“To solve the problem of female self-hatred, we have to critique sexist thinking, militantly oppose it, and simultaneously create new images, new ways of seeing ourselves.”

“If someone loves us but we are trapped by self-hatred, that love will never reach us.”

“i aint’ shit you must be lower / than that to care.” (about me)

“We can ‘start where we are’ by offering ourselves that gaze of approval we long to see from the eyes of someone else.”

“When we are self-loving, we attend to the deeper needs of our soul, we no longer feel abandonment or loss of recognition.”

Women Attacking Other Women

“Women find it easier to rage at each other. Anger directed at males feels more threatening, their power to retaliate more dangerous.”

“Accomplished feminist women remained blind to how sexist notions of womanhood informed the way they related to their daughters or other women.”

Feminism: Past & Future

“We can live today according to the values that we wish would govern the world in the hypothetical future we are working for.”

On reuniting with a long-time feminist friend: “We celebrated 30+ years of friendship, telling our daughters all we did to nurture our bond. We gave each other the benefit of the doubt in difficult moments. We shared our ongoing commitment to being honest with each other, to forgiving, to nurturing our personal growth.”

Looking For Love

“It is the space of mindful awareness, where we can search for love together, communing and celebrating, cherishing the sweetness of sustained female solidarity.”

“Love is the foundation on which we build the house of our dreams. It’s a house with many rooms. Relationships are part of the house, but they aren’t everything and never could be.”

“What most women do not choose to face is the reality that if you support patriarchy, you get negative side effects — like tyranny in the household or sexual violence.”

“Many women put more careful judgment into selecting a new toaster oven than they put into evaluating a prospective partner. Perhaps deep down they know that to exercise careful judgment might mean doing without male partnership for long periods of time.”

“When women talk about what they find likable in a man, they say traits like kindness, strength of character, and integrity. Yet they end up with distant, ill-tempered guys who sulk around a lot and don’t pick up after themselves.”

“Looking for a man who can love is a search that can take ages. Most men are still clinging to the rewards of forms of power patriarchy extends to them for not being loving.”

What To Look For In A Partner

“Traits we should look for in a partner are commitment to personal growth, emotional openness, integrity, maturity & responsibility, high self-esteem, and a positive attitude toward life. In my conversations and interviews, it was rare for any females to admit we’d found even one or two of these qualities in romantic partners. The quality of the relationships that satisfied so many of the men I talked with left women hungry.”

Hating Patriachy vs. Hating Men

“While I wouldn’t choose them as partners, I like some men I know who are sexist in their thinking because I see other qualities in them that I value. This doesn’t mean I accept or condone their sexism. Men are not the problem. The problem is patriarchy.”

Women Need To Work on Love Also

“True equality means that females no longer have the luxury to indulge notions that we are the “superior sex” when it comes to matters of the heart, to caregiving, to acts of love.”

Good Men

“Feminism has created a world where there are new men who can offer women the mutual love we long for. Among these new men are loving gay folk who are role models straight men can learn from.”

“Our generation has produced progressive men, some of whom have learned to love and can be in healthy partnerships, but their numbers are small.”