Top Quotes: “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms” — Brene Brown
Background: Brown writes about the way in which allowing oneself to be more vulnerable creates stronger relationships and how we can foster vulnerability in our families and our workplaces. She also touches a lot on the concept of shame and how we can combat this harmful emotion. This book definitely challenged me to think about these topics in a totally new way!
Introduction
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”
“The profound danger is that we start to think of feeling as weakness. With the exception of anger (which is a secondary emotion, one that only serves as a socially acceptable mask for many of the more difficult underlying emotions we feel), we’re losing our tolerance for emotion and hence for vulnerability.”
“One could argue that weakness often stems from a lack of vulnerability — when we don’t acknowledge how and where we’re tender, we’re more at risk of being hurt.”
Shame
“The worst betrayal of trust which is the most insidious and corrosive to trust is the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationships. When the people we love stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for our relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears — our fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain — there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.”
“When we dare greatly we will err and we will come up short again and again. There will be failures and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again. Shame hangs out in the parking lot of the arena, waiting for us to come out defeated and determined never to take risks. It laughs and says, ‘I told you this was a mistake. I knew you weren’t _____ enough..’ Shame resilience is the ability to say, ‘This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous.’ We can’t embrace vulnerability if shame is suffocating our sense of worthiness and connection.”
“Shame is real pain. The importance of social acceptance and connection is reinforced by our brain chemistry, and the pain that results form social rejection and disconnection is real pain. In a 2011 study founded by the National Institute of Mental Health, researchers found that, as far as the brain is concerned, physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection hurt in the same way.”
“Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. If you forget to show up for lunch with a friend and your self-talk is ‘I’m an idiot; I’m a terrible friend’ — that’s shame. If, on the other hand, your self-talk is, ‘I can’t believe I did that. What a crappy thing to do’ — that’s guilt. When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.”
“Whenever she felt shame, she’d immediately start repeating the word pain aloud. ‘Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.’ She told me, ‘I’m sure it sounds crazy and I probably look like a nut, but for some reason it really works.’ Of course it works! It’s a brilliant way to get out of lizard-brain survival mode and pull that prefrontal cortex back online. After 1–2 minutes of ‘pain’ chanting, I took a deep breath and tried to focus myself. I thought, ‘Okay. Shame attack. I’m okay. What’s next? I can do this.’”
“Shame thrives on secret keeping. A research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased, and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones.”
Gender & Vulnerability
“Never before in my life did I think about men feeling vulnerable about sex. Never did I consider that their self-worth was in any way on the line. A therapist who spent 25+ years working with men explained that from the time boys are 8–10 years old, they learn that initiating sex is their responsibility and that sexual rejection soon becomes the hallmark of masculine shame. He explained, ‘Even in my own life, when my wife isn’t interested, I still have to battle feelings of shame. It doesn’t matter if I intellectually understand why she’s not in the mood. I’m vulnerable and it’s difficult.’ He added, ‘I guess the secret is that sex is terrifying for most men. That’s why you see everything from porn to the violent, desperate attempts to exercise power and control. Rejection is deeply painful.’”
“You can choose consciously not to play along with shame. The man in shame says, ‘I’m not supposed to get emotional when I have to lay off people. The man practicing shame resilience says, ‘I’m not buying into this message. I’ve worked with these guys for five years. I know their families. I’m allowed to care about them.’ Shame whispers in the ear of the woman who’s out of town on business, ‘You’re not a good mother because you’re going to miss your son’s class play.’ She replies, ‘I hear you, but I’m not playing that tape today. My mothering is way bigger than one class performance. You can leave now.’”
“We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That expression originated in the early 1900s, when new immigrants and people flooding to the cities were crammed into tenement housing where you could literally hear your upstairs neighbor taking off his shoes at night. Once you heard the first shoe hit the floor you waited for the other shoe to drop.”
“The most terrifying and destructive feeling a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It’s a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combo of condemned isolation and powerlessness. Shame often leads to desperation. And reactions to this desperate need to escape from isolation and fear can run the gamut from numbing to addiction, depression, self-injury, eating disorders, bullying, violence, and suicide.”
“It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy water of sweetness — a real comfort — or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself — a shadow comfort. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry they made you feel last night.”
“Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching? For me, sitting down to a wonderful meal is nourishment and pleasure. Eating while I’m standing is always a red flag.”
Vulnerability at Work & Home
“The stats on post-traumatic-stress-related suicides, violence, addiciton, and risk-taking all point to this haunting truth: For soldiers serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, coming home is more lethal than being in combat. From the invasion of Afghanistan to the summer of ’09, the US military lost 761 soldiers in combat in that country. Compare that to the 817 who took their lives over that same period. And this number doesn’t account for deaths related to violence, high-risk behaviors, and addiction. The military finds itself in a catch-22: ‘We train our warriors to use controlled violence and aggression, to suppress strong emotional reactions in the face of adversity, to tolerate physical and emotional pain, and to overcome the fear of injury and death. These qualities are also associated with increased risk for suicide.’ Plus, ‘service members are more capable of killing themselves by sheer consequence of their professional training.’’
“The situation may be at its most extreme in the military, but if you look at the mental and physical health stats of police officers, you’ll find the same thing.”
“The same holds true in organizations — when we lead from a gospel of Viking or Victim, win or lose, we crush faith, innovation, creativity, and adaptability to change. Take away the guns, in fact, and we find outcomes similar to those for soldiers and police in corporate America. Lawyers — an example of a professional largely trained in win or lose, succeed or fail — have a suicide rate 4x greater than the rate of the general population. Experts on lawyer depression and substance abuse attributed the higher suicide rate to lawyers’ perfectionism and on their need to be aggressive and emotionally detached. And this mentality can trickle down into our homes as well. When we teach or model to children that vulnerability is dangerous and should be pushed away, we lead them directly into danger and disconnection.”
“‘The way we do things around here,’ or culture, is complex. I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or org by asking these 10 questions: What behaviors are rewarded? Punished? Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)? What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored? Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need? What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up? What stories are legend and what values do they convey? What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake? How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived? How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up? What’s the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?”
“To expect real learning, critical thinking, and change, discomfort should be normalized: ‘We believe growth and learning are uncomfortable so it’s going to happen here — you’re going to feel that way. We want you to know that it’s normal and it’s an expectation here. You’re not alone and we ask that you stay open and lean into it.’”
“Children are very open to talking about shame if we’re willing to do it. By the time they’re four and five, we can explain to them the differences between guilt and shame, and how much we love them even when they make bad choices.”
“My daughter’s kindergarten teacher told her, ‘You’re a mess!’ when she was playing in the Glitter Corner, and she replied, ‘I may be making a mess, but I’m not a mess!’”
“I can encourage my daughter to love her body, but what really matters are the observations she makes about my relationship with my own body. Does my son observe my husband and I trying new things, making mistakes, and failing without becoming self-critical? Damn it!”
“There’s something sacred that happens between a parent and a child when the parent says, ‘Me too!’ or shares a personal story that relates to their child’s struggle.”
“Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing their critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.”
“My parenting manifesto is: Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You’ll learn this from my words and actions — the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself. You’ll learn that you’re worthy of love belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections. We’ll practice vulnerability in our family by sharing stories of struggle and strength. We’ll set and respect boundaries; we’ll honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. You’ll learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about what I feel. I want you to know joy so together we’ll practice gratitude. When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you’ll be able to draw from the spirit that’s part of our everyday life. Together we’ll cry and face fear and grief. I’ll want to take away your pain, but instead I’ll sit with you and teach you how to feel it. I won’t teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.”
