Top Quotes: “Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence” — Rick Hanson
“While I was in college I stumbled on something that seemed remarkable then, and still seems remarkable to me now. Some small thing would be happening. It could be a few guys saying, “Come on, let’s go get pizza,” or a young woman smiling at me. Not a big deal. But I found that if I let the good fact become a good experience, not just an idea, and then stayed with it for at least a few breaths, not brushing it off or moving on fast to something else, it felt like something good was sinking into me, becoming a part of me. In effect, I was taking in the good — a dozen seconds at a time. It was quick, easy, and enjoyable. And I started feeling better.”
“On average, about a third of a person’s strengths are innate, built into his or her genetically based temperament, talents, mood, and personality. The other two-thirds are developed over time. You get them by growing them.”
“Even if you do notice a good fact and even if it does become a good experience, it probably does not get converted into neural structure, stored in implicit memory. Unless they’re million-dollar moments, positive experiences use standard-issue memory systems, in which new information must be held in short-term buffers long enough for it to transfer to long-term storage. “Long enough” depends on the experience and the person, but loosely speaking it’s at least a few seconds, and the longer the better. In effect, you have to keep resting your mind on a positive experience for it to shape your brain.”
“STEP 2. Enrich it. Stay with the positive experience for five to ten seconds or longer. Open to the feelings in it and try to sense it in your body; let it fill your mind. Enjoy it. Gently encourage the experience to be more intense. Find something fresh or novel about it. Recognize how it’s personally relevant, how it could nourish or help you, or make a difference in your life. Get those neurons really firing together, so they’ll really wire together.
STEP 3. Absorb it. Intend and sense that the experience is sinking into you as you sink into it. Let it really land in your mind. Perhaps visualize it sifting down into you like golden dust, or feel it easing you like a soothing balm. Or place it like a jewel in the treasure chest of your heart. Know that the experience is becoming part of you, a resource inside that you can take with you wherever you go.”
STEP 4. Link positive and negative material (optional). While having a vivid and stable sense of a positive experience in the foreground of awareness, also be aware of something negative in the background. For example, when you feel included and liked these days, you could sense this experience making contact with feelings of loneliness from your past. If the negative material hijacks your attention, drop it and focus only on the positive; when you feel recentered in the positive, you can let the negative also be present in awareness if you like. Whenever you want, let go of all negative material and rest only in the positive. Then, to continue uprooting the negative material, a few times over the next hour be aware of only neutral or positive material while also bringing to mind neutral things (e.g., people, situations, ideas) that have become associated with the negative material.”
“One woman used these methods to help herself change how she got her kids ready for school: My seven- and nine-year-old daughters love to sleep in, so getting them up has never been easy, and we’d usually have a rushed, hectic, cranky morning. Eventually I decided to learn a different way. I started going in early to each of their rooms. I lean over next to their sleeping little bodies to give them a good, long sniff as I kiss them on the cheek. They still smell like babies, and I know this will not last forever. These motherly feelings sink into me, which makes me comfortable with this way of waking my girls. I take in the goodness of their baby smell and hold it in my heart for a few moments, while they’re still sleeping. It makes me so happy! Then I playfully, gently rub their hair and back and wake them, and the sweetness I feel doing this becomes a part of me. This almost always results in a happy, pleasant wake-up, with smiles and hugs. And I get to savor the moments that will be gone much too soon.”
“One kind of caring about others is so important that I want to single it out here. Our ancestors lived in small bands in which individuals needed to cooperate to keep their children and one another alive in tough conditions. The evolving capacity to take pleasure in the joys and successes of others likely helped deepen the bonds of caring that promoted survival and the passing on of genes. Being happy that others are happy is an innate and powerful inclination of the human heart. And it gives you endless opportunities to feel good since there is always someone somewhere who is happy about something.
Think about a good fact in the life of someone you care about. Then see if you can feel pleased and glad for this person. This is sometimes called altruistic joy, happiness at the good fortune of others.”
“Things That Could Be True
I haven’t surfed, but I really like videos of people riding huge waves. When I think about doing this myself, it makes me feel excited and happy. This imagined fact will likely never come to pass, but at least it’s possible, and thus a potential source of a positive experience.
You can use this method in a variety of ways. You could imagine a loved one’s voice talking you through a challenging situation. If you have talents that haven’t been fully used, consider what it might be like if they were. If you wished you felt stronger, imagine having a black belt in karate. If you’d like to feel more peaceful, imagine sitting quietly in nature. In each case, be realistic about what you might feel; don’t overdo it, which would undermine the power of this practice.
Things That Couldn’t Be True
You can also use your inner theater to imagine good facts that could never be true for you. Deep down in the emotional memory centers of your brain, imagined experiences build neural structures through mechanisms similar to those that actual, lived experiences use. You’re not using this method to delude yourself about what’s been missing, or to slip into a rosy fantasy world that distracts you from improving this one. You still know what’s true. You just suffer it less.
For example, I’ve known people who never received any kind of loving parenting. Feeling loved in this way is important for healthy psychological development, and the lack of it leaves a wound in the heart. For these people, it was a powerful experience to imagine a loving parent and then take in feelings of being cuddled, soothed, and cherished. This didn’t mean they forgot what had actually happened in their childhood. But they were resourceful on their own behalf, finding ways to give themselves at least some sense of a vital experience, feeling cherished by a loving parent. Though it wasn’t a miracle cure, this practice made a big difference to them.
Producing Good Facts
Most days hold opportunities for creating good facts, and each of these new facts is a chance for a good experience. You could compliment someone, put a flower in a vase, turn on music, rearrange some furniture, take a different route to work, eat protein at breakfast, invite the cat up into your lap, or put on a fresh pillowcase. The point is not to pile new demands on yourself, but simply to be open to the chance to create a fact that could foster a good experience.
One way to create a good fact is to make something that makes you happy. A friend made a little box that she keeps in her handbag, with seashells from a trip to Italy, a picture of her dog, and a cross; when she wants a boost, she opens it and looks inside. Another friend got a photo of herself as a child and put it next to her driver’s license, so that when she shows her ID, she sees this lovable girl.”
“Five major factors heighten learning, the conversion of fleeting mental events into lasting neural structure. The greater the duration, intensity, multimodality, novelty, and personal relevance, the greater the retention in memory. Each of these is a way to increase neural firing so you get more wiring during an episode of taking in the good. Repeated episodes of taking in the good will further strengthen these neural traces.”
“Subcortical control centers are continually monitoring the state of your body and sending calls for action and related emotion signals up into your cortex. These subcortical signals shape the views and values held in the cortex, with results that reverberate back down to the subcortex and brain stem. Through this loop, action shapes thinking and thinking shapes action, which is the basis of what’s called embodied cognition. For example, studies show that leaning toward a reward increases the brain’s response to it, and that your facial expressions, posture, and even whether you open or close your hands all influence your experience and behavior.”
“Let’s say you had a minor argument with a friend or your mate. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but you know rationally that you two will be all right. Still, you can’t stop worrying about it. So what you could do is to be aware, at the same time, of both your anxiety and a feeling of being cared about by someone (who could be the other person). Keep making the positive feelings stronger than the negative ones while being aware of both of them at once. After a dozen or more seconds, let the anxiety go and stay with the feeling of being cared about for another dozen seconds or so. If the worry about the relationship returns, it could be a little (or a lot) milder as a result of this brief practice. And as with any mental practice, the more you do it, the greater its impact on your brain.”
“Negative material is often associated with a neutral “trigger.” Suppose that in your childhood you had a male sports coach who was loud, critical, and scary. In this case, male authority — a neutral trigger, since male authority is not inherently negative — became connected in your brain to experiences of fear and humiliation (negative material). If so, these days you might still feel uncomfortable around a male authority figure at work even though you know intellectually that he’s not going to treat you like your coach did when you were young. How can you break the chain that ties the neutral trigger to the negative material?
In your brain, there’s a “window of reconsolidation,” which lasts at least an hour, that you can use to do this. For at least an hour after the negative material has been activated and then left awareness, repeatedly bringing to mind the neutral trigger while feeling only neutral or positive (for roughly a dozen seconds or longer) will disrupt the reconsolidation of the negative associations to the neutral trigger in neural structure, even reducing amygdala activation related to the neutral trigger.
Working with the example here of a male authority figure, you could use both methods for reducing negative material. First, hold in mind a strong sense of self-worth along with a memory in the background of awareness of being embarrassed by the coach when you were young; in doing this, you’re consciously linking positive and negative material. Second, after letting go of the painful memory, for a few times over the next hour or so, be aware of only neutral or positive things — such as a feeling of worth — while also bringing to mind the idea of male authority or a memory or an image of a male authority figure that you know (the neutral trigger) for a dozen seconds or longer.
You could use this method in your everyday activities as well. Just before a meeting with a man who is an authority figure, you could link in awareness both the strong sense of worth and the painful memory of the sports coach. Then, during the meeting with the man, re-access the sense of worth several times with no reference to the old memory of your coach. You could also try this approach in a lower-key way, such as by simply watching the male authority figure across a room while repeatedly renewing your sense of worth.”
“As a bonus, if it’s real for you, explore a sense of receiving the positive material into the negative. Like a sense of being soothed. Or a sense of young parts of you receiving and taking in at least a little of what they’ve longed for. This involves a kind of dual perspective in which one part of you experiences offering a positive experience while another part of you experiences receiving it.”
“Using the fourth step of taking in the good, I’ll help these good feelings connect with the frazzled parts of my mind, sinking into them, reassuring them, making them less alarmed. So the next time my e-mail in-box starts overflowing, I won’t feel so pressured about it.
When they’re stressed, worried, frustrated, or hurt about something, people frequently use the first two ways to engage the mind — letting be and letting go — but skip the third one: letting in. Unfortunately, in terms of the garden of the mind, then they miss a chance to grow flowers — inner strengths — in the space left by the weeds they pulled. Plus, as any gardener knows, if you don’t replace weeds with flowers, the weeds come back. So when the bad feelings pass, or at least some of them, remember to take in some good ones.”
“Your brain is also designed to hyper-learn during childhood, so issues from that time — such as abuse, neglect, humiliation, bullying, discrimination, harsh scolding, poverty or financial hardship, burdensome secrets, creepy experiences, exclusion, family tension, injuries, disabilities, and illnesses — cast a long shadow
Even relatively moderate things add up, like feeling a little awkward socially.”
“As you relax, your parasympathetic nervous system gets more active, which calms down the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system. Ten-sion drains out of your body, your heart rate and breathing slow down, and digestion eases — all of which turns down the dial on internal signals of threat, helping you relax even further.
Notice any sense of relaxation already present in your awareness. For example, in your breathing or in parts of your body that are still, there could be some ease and letting go. Also, you can create a feeling of relaxation. Take several breaths in which the exhalation is about twice as long as the inhalation. Relax key points, such as the jaw muscles, tongue, mouth, and eyes. Breathe in your diaphragm, just beneath your rib cage. Sense the tension draining out your body. Imagine being in relaxing settings, such as on the beach under a warm sun. You can also progressively relax parts of your body, moving from your feet to your head.
Open to relaxation, and feel what it’s like. Let it fill you, becoming more intense. Stay with it, help it last. Let go more and more as you relax. Give yourself over to a delicious sense of calm. Notice different aspects of this experience, keeping it fresh for you. Feel a growing tranquility. Embody relaxation by lying down, rocking gently back and forth, or letting your face go completely slack. Think of one way that being more relaxed at home or work could help you.
Sense that relaxation is sinking into you, becoming a part of you. As you become more relaxed, you can feel any tension or resistance falling away.
Be aware of both relaxation and tension. Keep relaxation more prominent in awareness; if you get hijacked by the negative material, drop it. Relaxation is sinking into and easing places inside you that have been tight or contracted. Tension is easing as relaxation settles down into it like a gentle rain. When you want, let go of any negative material and just stay with the sense of relaxation.”
“As social animals, we all have powerful needs to feel valued rather than dismissed, shunned, humiliated, disrespected, scorned, disdained. As a child, you needed to feel cherished by your parents, praised by your teachers, and wanted by your peers. An adult benefits from feeling sought after by potential mates, appreciated by his or her partner, respected by colleagues and managers, and not taken for granted by family. When these normal needs aren’t met, it’s natural to develop feelings of inadequacy mingled with hurt and anger, and tendencies in relationships toward extremes of clinging or distance. On the other hand, when your needs are met through experiences of feeling valued, you develop a healthy sense of worth, which paradoxically promotes humility and a giving heart.
Notice when there is already a sense of worth or being recognized in your mind, and notice when others stir up these feelings in you, such as with praise or respect. Create experiences of feeling valued by remembering a time you were complimented or acknowledged; a time you knew you were appreciated, perhaps after some contribution or generosity; a time you were wanted, sought after, or chosen. Consider that you value others but don’t always show it; in the same way, others value you but don’t always show it. Consequently, put in a correction factor in which you intuit more of the valuing that others do have for you. Expand your notion of being valued to include a sense of people thinking any one of these things about you: You made a difference; you helped me; I’m glad you’re in my life; you’re good at this; you’re interesting and talented; team is better with you on it; you contribute; you’re special; I respect you. Look for little ways that others appreciate you.
When you feel valued, open to it. Explore different aspects of this experience. Help it last and become more intense. Perhaps imagine a cheering squad of friends and family rooting for you, clapping and praising you. Imagine talking to yourself in a caring way, as you would speak with a friend who was feeling unwanted or second-rate or a loser; imagine telling yourself firmly how you make a difference for others and what your particularly good qualities are. Embody a sense of worth by sitting as if you respect yourself, or by walking across a room with dignity, like someone who adds value.
Feel a sense of worth sinking into you, spreading through your mind like a golden mist. Let a sense of having value grow inside you. Imagine what it would be like to be at work with this sense of being valuable, or at home, or in an important relationship; let yourself move into this sense of being and let it move into you. As the sense of worth sinks ever more deeply into you, any need to impress others or to prove yourself falls away.
Be aware of feeling valued as well as any feelings of inadequacy (or related feelings of smallness, worthlessness, or shame). Keep refocusing on feeling valued, wanted, worthy. Sense that feeling valued, appreciated, respected, even treasured, is connecting with feelings of inadequacy, easing any old pain, reassuring you deep down, and gradually replacing inadequacy with feelings of worth. Let feeling valued touch parts of yourself that have felt devalued, dismissed, disdained, unwanted. Then let go of any negative material and focus only on feelings of worth. A few times over the next hour, for a dozen or more seconds at a time, be aware of only neutral or positive material — such as a sense of worth — while also bringing to mind a neutral trigger of feeling inadequate.”
