Top Quotes: “How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving” — David Richo

“Mindfulness is an ancient meditation mode in which we let go of our fears, our attachments, our cravings, our expectations and entitlements, and our judgments of others. Instead of these habitual strategies, we learn to simply stay present openly in the moment — with nothing in the way — so we can experience life as it occurs. When we apply mindfulness to our relationships, we can finally see ourselves and others as we are, in all our touching vulnerability and with all our rich potential for love.”

“At times in a relationship you do not feel appreciated and you complain, maybe blow up. Behind every complaint about a partner is a longing for one of the five A’s. The accurate and compassionate response of a partner who interprets your complaint as a bid for love might be: “I see you are feeling unappreciated. I want you to know I do appreciate you very much.” She hears your real feeling rather than your harsh words. She attunes to the hurt, longing robin in you, not to the angry pterodactyl swooping down on her. Later, when things have calmed down, she reminds you that in the future you can ask for appreciation directly.”

“Here are the five fundamental mindsets of ego that interrupt our ability to be here now and that distort reality:

• Fear of, or worry about, a situation or person: “I perceive a threat in you or am afraid you may not like me, so I am on the defensive.”
• Desire that this moment or person will meet our demands or expectations, grant us our needed emotional supplies, or fulfill our wishes: “I am trying to get something from this or you.”
• Judgment can take the form of admiration, criticism, humor, moralism, positive or negative bias, censure, labeling, praise, or blame: “I am caught up in my own opinion about you or this.”
• Control happens when we force our own view or plan on someone else: “I am attached to a particular outcome and am caught in the need to fix, persuade, advise, or change you.”
• Illusion overrides reality and may occur as denial, projection, fantasy, hope, idealization, depreciation, or wish: “I have a mental picture of, or belief about, you or this and it obscures what you are really like.””

“The more we repeat our helpful affirmations and actions the more deeply we embed new resources. Likewise, we awaken our prefrontal cortex’s best evaluation of us when we move from thinking of ourselves as softies to affirming ourselves as hardy. When our brain tells us the same old tale of our victimhood we wind up believing we are weak. We can rewire our brain with a new story, with us as heroic, and we will soon activate and believe in our own power.”

“In childhood we learned self-protective strategies. We found mental and physical ways to acclimate or inure ourselves to the pain. We conditioned ourselves to escape while staying. Now these same strategies only keep us stuck in untenable situations. Look at the irony: we are protecting ourselves by denial and dissociation, thereby succeeding only in remaining at the mercy of the abuse.”

“Romance is the best way to begin a relationship and is a bridge to a more mature commitment. But we should not be surprised that it does not last. It is a phase that builds a bond, but it is not a mature bond in itself. Nature designed romance to bring people together to mate, to propagate the species, and to support one another. In this phase the sexual energy is high, and so is the adrenaline. However, continued high adrenaline levels lower our immune response and eventually undermine our health. Thus, in the best interests of our health, romance lasts only as long as is needed for sex and procreation to occur.”

“When any conflict or issue arises between ourselves and someone else, we ask not how to win but how to summon up a loving intent and how to act on it. Our immediate question is “How can I be as loving as possible in this circumstance?” When we show the five A’s to others, they feel loved and at the same time see us as lovable. To shift our focus from concern for personal victory or vindication to an attempt to be more loving brings us bliss.”

“Some people are so deeply and extremely introverted they are better off not being in a relationship. An extrovert who marries an introvert may have to realize that a partner’s need to be alone may be stronger than his need to be with the other.”

“In committed intimacy, I can be angry at you and still love you. I can let you get mad at me without having to get back at you. Real relating thus includes being with and standing against one another: “You can be angry at me and oppose me, and all the while I know you still love me. I can do the same with you. Anger does not have us; we have anger. Discrete instances of anger cannot muddle or obstruct the flow of our ongoing love.” We show anger but with a loving intent.”

“As a general rule it is wise to practice pausing before ordinary daily activities as a way of preparing. To pause between a stimulus from outside and your own reaction makes for saner, freer, and more responsible choices.”

“Express resentments and appreciations daily and directly to one another without giving feedback. Behind most resentments lies an implicit demand. Identify yours aloud. Behind most feelings of appreciation lies an implicit wish for more of the same. Admit that aloud.”

“If you find it difficult to know the full implications and nuances of your feelings, here is an easy and entertaining technique that may help you. Take the one word that best describes what you are feeling and look it up in a thesaurus. Read the list of words under that entry to your partner, commenting after each word whether and how it fits. For instance, you may feel frustrated, but then you realize that includes an element of plaintive or bitter disappointment and perhaps an expectation that was too high!

To process an issue means to explore and work through the implications of an event and the intentions behind the behavior of the principals. This happens both with attention to feelings and in search of a change. Here is a simple three-step technique for processing events: Say what happened as you saw it; express what you felt then and what you feel now; explore what is left to be resolved and followed up. Doing this on a daily basis makes for fewer problems and less stress.

Resolution begins when you make the agreement to change a pattern of behavior so that a dysfunctional cycle can be broken. It is complete when a new and more fulfilling style of relating has become second nature. For adults, there is then no abiding grudge or bringing up of the past. Full resolution is ultimately the automatic result of full addressing and processing.”

“Anything our partner does that gives rise to a feeling in us deserves a report about that feeling and its impact on us. We say, “When you did/said this, I felt this.” We say it mindfully — that is, without blame or expectation; it is simply information. No one causes a feeling, but actions and words are the catalysts of feelings. The other partner listens-awithout offering an immediate solution or becoming defensive — and asks, “What do you fear? What do you believe about me or about this? What do you want from me right now?” Get together with your partner and repeat these questions back and forth for five minutes.”

“Partners work things out best when they align to the familiar threefold prayer for serenity to accept what we can’t change, courage to change what we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Apply those also to people’s personalities. There are some traits in ourselves and others that won’t change — most, in fact. There are some that can be changed. It is up to us to know which is which when conflicts arise. We will then find serenity because we accept what we can’t change. Our dialogue in relationships will only be about what can be changed. And, we will thereby gain the wisdom to know the difference.”

“Make an oral commitment to address and process only when both of you are equally ready.”

“Sometimes it is necessary to let my feelings happen without acting on them. Sometimes holding is more important to my growth than releasing. This means surrendering control over my feelings and riding them where they may go or stay. This way I respect my own timing and trust myself.”

“You also can do a self-check, a “State of the Union.” Each of you prepares a presentation that then will lead to a dialogue. This can happen once every three months or at the beginning of each season or on your anniversary if you want it to be annual only.

Each partner presents, with no discussion, his or her version of how things are going in the relationship. This can be done using a past, present, and future model: First, we share how we saw the relationship in the past, then how it looks to us now, and finally what we are hoping for in the future. In each category we mention our needs, our fears, our trust level: how were they, are they, and will they hopefully be. We then state our experience of each of the five As, how we feel them happening from one to another.

In all this, each person presents a view with no cross talk. After the entire presentation from each person we have a discussion. We do this without blaming or criticizing. We are listening both to words and feelings without interrupting, understanding needs without arguing.”

“Draw a circle for a pie chart. Describe the problem you are facing in writing in the center of it, using the simplest possible terms with no editorializing — for example, “My partner left.” This fact taken alone leads to appropriate grief. Consider how the ego interferes by adding fear, attachment to an outcome, the need to control, blame, sense of abandonment, and so forth. These are all additional sources of unnecessary pain. Divide the pie to show the varying size of each of these pain sources, giving a visible indication of how you are being distracted from attending to the pure experience, which is simply that your partner left. Now draw the pie again with only the simple phrase in the center and notice the sense of space that results. This is how mindfulness puts space around our experiences so they can be what they are and nothing else. This, in turn, allows us to feel the pain of a situation — a loss, for instance — without the added pain of all the centrifugal forces our mind has generated.”

“Transactions that seem to be taking place in the here and now are usually throwbacks to the past in all three of these ways. Take a recent experience with someone who distressed you and to whom you reacted strongly. S.E.E. it in the ways outlined in this practice and then admit to the person who disturbed you what you have discovered about your true motivation. Ask yourself: Does he upset me because I am projecting my shadow onto him and seeing the worst of myself in him? Am I reacting this way because my entitled ego is outraged? Am I having all these feelings because something from my early life is being resurrected? The same S.E.E. technique is useful for exploring any of our attitudes, beliefs, reactions, biases, or causes for upset.”

“Sometimes we act upset, and it is not the shadow or ego or even early material. Upset sometimes means grieved. We are sad because something has not gone our way or something or someone has hurt or disappointed us. Grief is a reaction we often fail to recognize, admit, or feel. We prefer to use anger to cover it up. For instance, we may be upset because our partner does not speak up about her feelings toward us, so we are always guessing at her reactions. We may react angrily when our bedrock reaction may be grief that she cannot be sincere and open with us. The most frequently disguised feeling in relationships is grief, so it is useful to look there first for our authentic inner reactions to painful stimuli. Trade griefs with your partner. Take turns completing this sentence: “I am sad when you ______.” You may want to add: “And I hide my sadness by _____.””

“Act as if you have no fear, that is, as if fear could no longer stop or drive you. If you fear abandonment, risk allowing the other to go away for one minute more than you can stand. Cling one minute less than you feel you need to. If you fear engulfment, allow the other to get one inch closer than you can stand. Stay away one minute less than you feel you need to.”

“Entitlement can take the form of expectations, overreaction to being taken advantage of, a sense of being owed something, or a belief that we are being cheated. The best example of this feature of ego is the reaction we might have when we are cut off in traffic. Does the feeling of “How dare he do that to me?” turn into a frenetic and vengeful chase? Does it stick in your craw for the rest of the day? Vengefulness and indignation are clues to the presence of an arrogant, narcissistic — and ultimately very scared — ego. But behind the angry sense of humiliation is sadness that we have not been treated with love and respect — the things we believe we are entitled to from everyone. What we really mean to say when someone cuts us off in traffic is “How dare you not treat me with respect! How dare you not love me!” Secretly, the ego believes it has always had a right to that. Make a commitment to ask for love directly each time you notice yourself falling into one of the ego reactions described in this chapter.”

“To state our needs rather than to blame others for not fulfilling them leads to the very openness and vulnerability that makes for authentic intimacy. Apply this knowledge by understanding the impulse to blame as a signal of some unmet need and stating the need instead of blaming. Change “You were wrong to do this” to “I need your attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, or allowing.”

When you find yourself thinking critically about a partner or friend (“You should stop smoking”), try changing the criticism to an affirmative, even prayerful, and kindhearted wish (“May you find the strength to stop smoking”). Use this same technique when you are self-critical: “May I access the strength I know is in me to let go of this habit.””

“The next time you see someone acting arrogantly, realize what pain and fear he carries under that mask of omnipotence and have compassion toward him. Compassion builds in us when we also realize that the inflated ego often has its roots in uneven or ineffective childhood nurturance. A person who was humiliated, insulted, belittled, criticized sarcastically, and so on may do these same things to others later, a poignant and pathetic way of showing to the world how-and how deeply— he was wounded. Cultivate a compassionate response.”

“Here is a summary of the lojong teachings. Read each statement aloud, with meditative pauses, every day:

May I consider all beings precious.

May I always respect others as superior while maintaining self-esteem.

May I face my inner darkness and turn it to good.

May I be moved with compassion for the pain behind the spite others may show me.

When I am hurt by others, may I forgo retaliation while always fighting injustice.

May I reckon those who betray me as sacred teachers.

May I offer joy to all beings and secretly take on their suffering.

May all beings and I be free from ego concerns of loss and gain.”

“Consider each of the five conditions of existence and write out examples of each from your own life. Then acknowledge each of them in this way: “Yes, this happened, and I grant it attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection, and I allow it to be what it was/is. I am thankful for how I have grown from this experience. I am compassionate toward those who are going through it today. May all beings find happiness in life as it is.””