Top Quotes: “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love” — Logan Ury

Introduction

“Satisfiers report feeling happier with their choices, even when they select an objectively worse option. (I mean, come on. Your friend’s Nespresso machine didn’t even make Wirecutter’s top picks!) That’s because Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.

Psychologist and The Paradox of Choice author Barry Schwartz explains that what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel: “Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisfiers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”

What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters. While the quality of coffee is important, how we feel about that coffee is paramount.”

“Once we commit to something, our brain helps us rationalize why it was the right choice.

Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing. Imagine you buy an expensive winter coat that you can return within thirty days. You take it home and weigh its pros and cons. Even if you keep the coat, you can’t shake that list of cons in your head. But when you buy a coat on final sale, you immediately commit to liking it. You can’t return it, so why worry about its drawbacks? That’s the power of rationalization. Embrace it.

This works for dating, too. When you commit to someone, your brain will do its best to convince you it was a good decision. Satisficers inherently understand this idea — and benefit from it.

Now, perhaps you’re thinking: I’m not looking to make a merely “good” decision. I refuse to settle. But this is a common misunderstanding about satisficing. Remember, Satisficers can have very high standards. They may look around for a while until they find an option that meets their expectations. The difference is, once they find something that meets their standards, they are happy with it. They don’t wonder what else is out there.

And that’s why I want you to work toward becoming a Satisfier. The best choice of all is choosing to be happy.”

“Research from Harvard Business School found that couples who can afford to outsource time-intensive tasks like cooking and cleaning enjoy greater relationship satisfaction because they can spend more quality time together.”

“Texas Tech University psychologists studied married couples in therapy and found that low-income couples were far more dissatisfied with their relationship than middle-income couples. In fact, low-in-come couples felt about as unhappy as divorced couples did in the month before they broke up.”

“Focusing on attractiveness to the exclusion of other traits ignores the fact that lust inevitably fades over time (and remember, we’re going for long-term success here). In his book The Science of Happily Ever After, psychologist Ty Tashiro analyzed a fourteen-year longitudinal study of satisfaction in marriages over time. He found that over the course of seven years, “lust” (sexual desire) for a partner declined twice as fast as “liking” (friendship characterized by loyalty and kindness).

Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher helps explain why that happens. Lust is incredibly intense in the beginning and then fades. When we fall in love, it feels like we’re addicted to the other person, as if they’re a drug. Fisher found that cocaine and falling in love light up the same regions of the brain.”

“If it’s good sex you’re after, there’s no guarantee someone who is attractive will even be good in bed. There may be skills that beautiful people never develop because they don’t need to. An episode of the TV show 30 Rock called “The Bubble” takes this idea to the extreme. Jon Hamm plays a character who is insulated by his own handsomeness. He’s a former tennis pro who can’t serve, a doctor who doesn’t know the Heimlich maneuver, and as Tina Fey’s character complains, “He’s as bad at sex as I am.” Her suave boss knows this phenomenon firsthand: “That is the danger of being super-handsome,” he tells her. “When you’re in the bubble, nobody ever tells you the truth.” So yeah, don’t assume that the best-looking people make the best lovers.

Finally, remember what we just learned about adaptation. Even if you marry the most attractive person, eventually, you’ll get used to how they look. That initial pleasure will fade. A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it’s likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: “For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”

“When they studied five hundred married couples who had been together for an average of twenty years, they found that couples with similar personalities aren’t any more satisfied with their relationships.

And when it comes to our genes, we may have evolved to prefer people who are genetically dissimilar to us. There’s a theory that we feel attracted to the smell of people who are genetically different from us because if we reproduced with them, we’d pass on two very different sets of genes — making our offspring more robust and more likely to survive.

Swiss biological researcher Claus Wedekind explored this in his famous T-shirt study. He collected DNA samples from male and female students. To capture their smell, he instructed male students to wear the same cotton T-shirt for two nights and to avoid smell-producing activities like sex. Then he asked female students to smell six T-shirts — three from genetically similar men and three from genetically dissimilar ones — and rate each one based on intensity, pleasantness, and sexiness. He found women preferred the smell of the men whose genes were more dissimilar from theirs. (Coincidentally, the effect reverses for women on oral birth control. Things can get awkward when a couple marries, the woman goes off birth control, and suddenly, she’s attracted to different people.)”

“The first step in fighting well is understanding that there are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and perpetual ones — unsolvable, permanent features of your partnership. John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual Common examples of perpetual problems include situations where one person likes to go out while the other prefers to stay in, or where one person is neat and the other is messy. These might include differing opinions on work, family, ambition, money, and sexual frequency.”

“The goal is not to convince each other to change or even to come to an agreement — it’s to find a productive way to live with this difference.

As the late couples therapist Dan Wile explained in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” The goal isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t fight. It’s to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn’t make you worry that the fight will end the relationship. The second element to fighting well is being able to recover from a disagreement. John Gottman writes about “repair attempts,” statements or actions that prevent a fight from escalating. Successful couples are able to break the intensity of a fight by making a joke, conceding a point, or telling their partner what they appreciate about them.”

“Remember that you’ll inevitably have disagreements with whomever you choose. Pay attention to how you fight. Are you able to get your point across? Do you feel heard? Does your partner make repair attempts to de-escalate the disagreement? The goal is to fight well, not to avoid fights altogether.”

The Search

“Behavioral economist Dan Ariely wrote: “Human beings adjust behavior based on the metrics they’re held against. Anything you measure will impel a person to optimize his score on that metric. What you measure is what you’ll get. Period.” — If you create a frequent-flyer reward system where you measure miles flown and tell customers that this number matters, Ariely explained, customers respond. They start booking absurd flights from faraway airports to maximize their miles. In other words, we’re suggestible — show us a metric and we’ll assume it’s important. While people have always prized certain superficial traits, the apps make us think they’re even more important simply by measuring, presenting, and emphasizing them.

University of Chicago professor Chris see writes about a related concept called evaluability: The easier it is to compare certain traits, the more important those traits seem.”

“Using data from a popular dating website, Ariely found that a man has to earn $40,000 more each year to be as desirable as a man one inch taller.

Yes: $40,000.

Evaluability helps us understand why. In real life, you may meet guys who are five-nine and five-ten and barely notice their height difference. (And you certainly won’t know their income — unless they tell you, unprompted, which is gross.) But as we just learned, the more a quality can be compared, the more important that trait seems. Apps make it easy to compare height. While women have long favored tall men, the digital world exacerbates this preference. Because of the explicit height comparison across online dating profiles, shorter men are at a much greater disadvantage than they would be in the real world.”

“I call this error in judgment the Monet Effect. When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.

We can see this play out in the corporate world. When companies search for a new CEO, they can choose between promoting an internal candidate or hiring an external one. Research into these decisions found that companies who decide to hire externally have sky-high expectations of the candidates. When you evaluate external candidates, you know only the broad details about them. They tell you about their wins. Internal candidates, you know more intimately; you are familiar with their successes and their failures. The Monet Effect helps explain why, when compared to internal candidates, external CEOs are often paid more but perform worse.

The same thing happens with dating. Looking at a dating app profile is the equivalent of seeing someone from very far away. All you get are a few carefully selected photos and some basic information. You go out on the date, and maybe the pitch of their voice bothers you or they have bad table manners or you are not aligned on the time and place for dad jokes. Instead of those flaws seeming normal — because they are, and everyone has some — they leave you greatly disappointed. There goes the perfect person you built up in your mind.”

“Go on dates with people whom you don’t necessarily think are a fit. That’s the only way you can figure out what you actually like rather than assuming you already know.”

“One of my clients doesn’t go out with more than three people at a time. She finds that’s her perfect number, at which she can give each person a chance to let the relationship grow but also can compare how she’s feeling with each one. If you go overboard and chat with too many people at once, or constantly fill in your calendar with first dates, you are likely to end up like the person who sampled from the table with twenty-four jams. You’ll try more jams but won’t know which one to buy.”

“Men see a boost in their chances of getting a like by standing alone, smiling without teeth, and looking straight toward the camera.

• Candids seriously outperform posed photos. While about 80 percent of posted pics are posed, candid shots are 15 percent more likely to receive a like.
• Selfies perform poorly, especially bathroom selfies, which decrease your chance of getting a like by 90 percent. (Pro tip: When meeting new love prospects, try not to associate yourself with the toilet.) Show us that you have a friend who can take a photo of you.
• Black-and-white photos kill. Despite making up only 3 percent of posted photos, they see a 106 percent boost in likes. Consider going monochrome for your next pic.”

“I send my clients’ photos to contacts of mine around the comtry who are unlikely to ever meet my client. Those people rank the photos, indicating which pictures they like, which they’d delete, and which they’d use as the important first photo. There’s often a consensus around which photos work best; it’s almost never the photos my client chose for themselves.”

“Make sure your profile creates opportunities for people to follow up and connect. Let’s take the Hinge prompt: “Qualities I’m looking for in a plus-one wedding date.” If you write, “Someone who’s not married,” that’s funny, but it doesn’t really open the door to conversation. Instead, if you put “Knowing all the words to ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls,” that could spark a chat around nineties music or who will sing the Scary Spice part when you do karaoke. If you write, “Someone who will challenge me to a dance-off,” that’s a great opener for a chat about signature go-to moves. The best way to spark conversation is to be specific. Include quirky things that make you stand out. If you say, “I like music,” that doesn’t really tell me anything about you. Cool, who doesn’t? Same with writing that you like travel, food, and laughter. That’s like saying you like Tom Hanks. Yeah, dude, he’s an American hero. Don’t tell me you like to cook; describe to me your signature dish and what makes your Vietnamese soup pho-nomenal. The more specific you are, the more opportunities you give potential matches to connect by commenting on that quirk.”

“The goal of an opening line is to get a conversation going so that you can meet up with someone in person. Look at the profile and comment on something subtle, a detail that not everyone would notice. Use a touch of humor. For example, if a man is always looking away from the camera in his photos, you could say, “I see you like pictures where you’re peering off mysteriously into the distance. I’m dying to know what’s out of frame!” Or if someone’s profile mentions a love for the show The Office, message with your favorite Michael Scott quote.”

“A good transition from texting to a date might sound like this: “I’m really enjoying this conversation. Want to continue it over a walk on Sunday afternoon?”

Make it easy to meet up. One way to do this is to propose a specific day and time for your date. “If you’re as charming in real life as you are over text, we may be onto something. Drinks Thursday? Seven p.m.?” You may have to go back and forth to find a time that works for both of you, but this way, you start to narrow down your options. It kills the excitement and momentum when you spend so much time scheduling.

And sometimes that happens. It’s not necessarily from lack of interest; people are often just busy. What’s the best way to move from an online chat to an in-person date after a lot of back-and-forth texts? I recommend calling out the situation, but in a kind and playful manner. “I really enjoy our text banter and would love to see if we get along this well in person. What do you think about a quick drink this week?”

Or the next time they start to tell you something interesting: “Wait, wait, wait. I need to hear this in person! When are you free this week to meet up and tell me the rest of this story?””

“You know those friends who always seem to be attending cool events? Ask them to invite you next time, or find out where they discover activities. Look up talks at local universities. Google words like “art opening” or “film festival” along with the name of your city.”

“Don’t forget to flirt. Make eye contact with the people around you, smile, and then take your gaze elsewhere.

Start small and commit to meeting at least one new person per event. Introduce yourself. Say something to the people nearby about what’s happening around you. You could comment on a painting, the band, their earrings or shoes, anything! The point is to practice meeting new people, even if you’re not attracted to them. That Way, when you meet someone you like, you’ll feel confident. (Get those reps in!) In the meantime, making a new friend expands your social circle and increases your chances of meeting a new love interest.

“But how do I know if the person I talk to is even single?” my clients always ask me. Well, you don’t! My friend Lucas has an in-your-face way of asking women if they’re seeing anyone: “Are you in love?” If the woman pauses and then says no, he realizes that she may be casually dating someone but also might be open to going out with him.

Or you can keep it casual and say something like “Hey, I’d love to keep talking about [insert thing you were discussing]; what’s the best way to connect?” Then the person can give you whatever contact info they’re comfortable sharing, be that their phone number, Instagram handle, or email address. People will usually have a hunch why you’re asking to follow up, and if they have a significant other, they’ll find a way to mention that. (If they’re taken or not interested, they may decline to give you their info at all.)”

“If the first-move thing is freaking you out, this trick works every time. Doesn’t matter whether you need a drink, or whether you have to go to the bathroom: Get in a line, any line. People in lines are inherently bored. Even a momentary distraction — like a conversation with you — is welcome.”

“Send your friend some photos. Choose flattering (but realistic!) pictures they can send along to potential matches.

Say yes to dates. Seriously. If someone goes to the effort of trying to set you up on a date, say yes! Presumably, this is a friend and not someone trying to waste your time. What do you have to lose? A night? Some cash? Just do it. My friend Steph tells her friends, “If you think I’d like someone, I am willing to go out with them at least once.” Because of that promise, I’m more likely to set her up, unlike some friends of mine who haven’t followed up on introductions I’ve given them.”

“Give your friends feedback. If the date goes well, send them a thank-you text. Or better yet, flowers! If it wasn’t a good match, thank them for the introduction and let them know what worked and what didn’t. (Choose your words carefully in case this is a close friend of theirs.) This feedback gets them closer to understanding what you want; motivates them, since feedback is encouraging; and provides a chance for them to let you know if you’re being too picky. They might hear your reasons and encourage you to give the person another chance. Listen to them.

Offer incentives! This might sound ridiculous, but it works. A former coworker told me she was offering a big chunk of change to anyone who introduced her to the man she’d marry. When I heard how much she was willing to pay — several thousand dollars — I was impressed. First, it showed me she realized how much finding your life partner was really worth. Second, while I liked this coworker (she’s fun, enthusiastic, warm, and caring), I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to think about setting her up with someone if not for the incentive. Suddenly, when I met eligible men, I immediately asked myself whether they might hit it off with her.”

“1. Once you’ve thought of a match, contact the person you think is pickier or the person you know better. “Hey! I think I might have a friend who would be a good romantic match for you. Here’s a picture of him. He’s really thoughtful, brilliant, and fun-loving. Would you be open to me setting you two up?” A couple things to watch out for: You don’t want to give too much information and overwhelm the person; nor should you provide too little information and risk triggering the Monet Effect. Just give enough so that your friend is intrigued.

2. If the presumed-to-be-pickier person says yes, ask the other person if they’re interested, using a similar text.

3. If the second person says no, let the first person know, gently. You can say something like: “Turns out he’s not looking to date right now. I think he just met someone.” Be compassionate. It’s a tough world out there.

4. If both people say yes, connect them via group text or email. Keep it short. I try to say something fun or quirky. Sometimes I even suggest a date idea. Here are real messages I’ve sent: “Adam > Molly. Get back to me when you’ve come up with ten new ways to go down a slide.” “Craig, Tara. Tara, Craig. Hope you two can meet up soon. May I suggest a walk through Golden Gate Park where you try to pet at least five dogs?” They don’t need to follow this exact plan. My goal is to give them a silly way to connect.

5. Give them space. Allow the couple to go out without micromanaging them. Encourage them to start talking off the group thread. Once they’ve gone out, you can ask for feedback in order to get a better sense of what they’re looking for, but again, be sensitive. It’s up to them how much to share.

6. Host parties! My friend Georgina, who’s responsible for several long-term relationships and dozens more friend groups, hosts a monthly brunch called the Big Gay Brunch. She reduces the pressure of trying to be a perfect matchmaker by making it a friendly event. People come hoping to meet new people, whether it’s romantic or platonic. She doesn’t have to figure out who will like whom; she just puts her wonderful friends in the same place at the same time and lets them take it from there.”

“Shift your dating mindset from evaluative to experiential. From reviewing résumé qualities and asking, Is this person good enough for me? Do we have enough in common? to getting out of your own head and into the moment; to asking yourself, How do I feel with this person? To paying attention to what unfolds when you’re together. To dating with an attitude of curiosity. To allowing yourself to be surprised.”

“Here are some pre-date rituals from my clients:

• “I always plan ahead. I turn off my work notifications, I try to block off at least thirty minutes before starting my date. I usually call one of my closest friends, someone who makes me feel confident and loved.”
• “I like to listen to comedy before a date. My favorite podcast is called Good One. On every episode, comedians share one of their all-time favorite jokes and then analyze it with the host. It makes me laugh and puts me in a good mood.”
• “I do jumping jacks to get my heart pumping. It releases endorphins and puts me in a good mood.”
• “I feel so unsexy when I leave work. Baths before a date work wonders. I use a bubble bath with a great smell. I’ve found scent is a powerful aphrodisiac. Then I apply lotion to my body. It helps me turn my work brain off and turn myself on!””

“Try sitting next to — rather than across from — your date. Have you ever opened up to someone on a long drive? Or noticed that it feels easier to talk to a friend while walking side by side, when you’re not making direct eye contact? That’s because it’s easier to talk when we’re not looking someone in the eyes.”

“You might even enjoy stealing this idea for a “day of yes” from a friend of mine. She explained: “We went on a date in which we took turns suggesting our next move and the other person had to say yes (unless illegal or against their values). We met at the Brooklyn Heights ferry stop, where we said yes to getting on the ferry and the next person had to suggest where to get off, to which the other needed to say yes. We kept exchanging ideas of things to do, and it was an amazing date. We ended up exploring a new neighborhood together, eating a single plate at multiple Polish restaurants, and getting in some pretty deep conversation.””

“Research from Harvard Business School professors Ryan Buell and Michael Norton found that people value something more when they see all the effort that went into it.

Imagine if you were searching online for a flight. The quicker the results appear, the better, right? Maybe not. Norton ran an experiment where he had participants search for flights on a fake travel search engine. Participants were assigned to different experiment groups. For some, the program showed them immediate results. For others, the software took its time returning the results, with a progress bar that increased over time and a message about how it was searching for flights on this airline, and then this airline, and then that airline. Surprisingly, those in the second condition valued the system more. Even though it produced results more slowly, they felt the program was working harder on their behalf. They valued the effort of the program over the speed. This is why Domino’s Pizza lets you follow along as your pizza is “fired up,” “in the oven,” and “double-checked for perfection.” We all know how pizza delivery works. But when you see effort, you appreciate value.

We can apply the same lessons to planning dates. Act more like that second travel search engine by letting your date know about the things you’ve done to make the experience special. It’s not about bragging or exaggerating; it’s about making your efforts apparent so your date can appreciate them more.

One great way to show your effort is to offer to plan the date, or to choose a place near the other person’s home or work. I’ve found that my clients who live in big cities like New York or Los Angeles often get trapped in a back-and-forth over whose neighborhood theyll meet in. You can show effort by making the date convenient for the other person. Message them something like: “Hey, what area do you live in? I can plan something near there.” During the date, mention the thought that you put into particular decisions. Say: “I chose this Peruvian place because you wrote on your profile that it was your dream to visit Machu Picchu.” People will appreciate the effort, and your thoughtfulness will help you stand out.”

“When you walk into a date, instead of starting with the awkward “So, how’s your day going?” or “Where do you live?” jump right into the middle of things: “You’ll never guess what happened on my way over here!” or “I just got off the phone with my sister, and she told me about this battle she’s in with her landlord over the recycling bins.” By skipping the getting-to-know-you small talk and diving straight into the type of conversation that friends (or lovers!) might have, you take a shortcut to intimacy. Of course the conversation may reverse — you’ll eventually cover how your day is going, where you live, and so on, but at least you will have dipped your toes into the waters of real conversation.

Another great approach is soliciting advice. You can ask about a real thing that’s going on in your life. “My sister’s getting married in a few weeks, and I don’t know if 1 should give a roast or a toast. Have you ever given a speech at a wedding?” Or: “My boss sends me emails all weekend, and I don’t know how to set boundaries with him. What would you do?””

“You can become a better conversationalist by learning to give support responses rather than shift responses. Sociologist Charles Derber identified a shift response as a moment in which you shift the focus of the conversation back to yourself. A support response, on the other hand, encourages the speaker to continue the story. For example, if your date says, “I’m going to Lake Michigan with my family in a few weeks,” a shift response would be: “Oh, I went there a few summers ago.” Even though, on the surface, you’re engaging with what your date has said, you’ve drawn the attention back to yourself. A support response might sound like “Have you been there before?” or “How did your family choose that location?” Support responses indicate that you’re invested in their story and want to hear more. They make your date feel appreciated and amplify the connection between the two of you.”

“Please, please: Keep your phone out of sight. Research from MIT professor Sherry Turkle found two negative impacts of having a phone on the table when you’re talking to someone: One, it decreases the quality of the conversation. People naturally tend to discuss more shallow topics, because there’s a fear that at any moment the phone will interrupt them. Two, it weakens the empathetic connection that forms between the two people.

Despite all the evidence that phones create a barrier to connection, 89 percent of people admitted to taking out a phone during their last social interaction. Don’t do it!

Try this approach. At the beginning of the date, ask the other person how they’d feel about both of you committing to putting your phones out of sight. You’ll show you care and increase your chances of the date going well. (You might even bring up Sherry Turkle’s research, because nothing screams “I’m good at sex” like a research citation.)”

“End on a high note

An artist I know prides himself on always incorporating a happy ending to his dates. (No, not that kind! Get your mind out of the gutter and back into this book.) For example, toward the end of the night, he’ll ask the cryptic question, “Have you ever been to San Francisco’s secrett slide?” and, if his date is curious, take them to this romantic, under-the-radar spot. He understands that the end of an experience matters.”

“Order dessert at the end of the meal. Give the other person a meaningful compliment before you head your separate ways. Take advantage of the peak-end rule.”

“The Post-Date Eight

1. What side of me did they bring out?
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
4. Is there something about them I’m curious about?
5. Did they make me laugh?
6. Did I feel heard?
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

Knowing he had to answer these questions afterward, Jonathan started paying more attention to how he felt during the date. He started agreeing to second dates with guys who weren’t as impressive on paper but made him feel optimistic, attractive, and relaxed. He was able to more quickly reject guys who had impressive backgrounds but left him feeling cold. He allowed himself to experience the date rather than “interviewing” the guy for the role of husband.”

“The Truth: Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship. Good sex and chemistry can build over time.

Love at first sight is pretty rare. When psychologist Ayala Malach Pines surveyed more than four hundred people to ask how they fell in love with their romantic partners, only 11 percent claimed that they felt “love at first sight.””

“A few years ago, psychologists Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt explored this phenomenon. At the beginning of the semester, they asked straight male students to rank their straight female classmates’ desirability and vice versa. When Eastwick and Hunt analyzed the responses, they found that students were more or less in agreement about their classmates’ attractiveness. This initial rating, based on first impressions, is known as mate value.

Three months later, at the end of the semester, the researchers asked students to evaluate their peers again. Now that the students knew one another, the scores had much more variability. These new scores reflected what’s called unique value, what you think of someone after spending time with them.

Here’s how Eastwick and Hunt explained why the scores changed: When we first meet people, we evaluate them on their mate value — their overall attractiveness and how they carry themselves. As we get to know and share experiences with them, we discover their unique value — who they are on the inside. In the classroom study, the first time the students evaluated one another, their answers reflected mate value — basically how hot they found their peers — and most people found the same people hot. But by the end of the semester, they judged them on their unique value, which depended on whom they’d gotten to know. In many cases, likely because of the mere exposure effect, the students liked their peers more than they had on the first day of class. The importance of mate value disappears over time. What matters is how you feel about someone as you get to know them.”

“Myth #2: The spark is always a good thing.

The Truth: It’s not. Some people are just really good at making a lot of people feel a spark. Maybe they’re extremely attractive. Perhaps they’re best-in-class flirts. Sometimes the presence of a spark is more an indication of how charming someone is — or how narcissistic — and less a sign of a shared connection. I learned the hard way with Burning Man Brian. He made me (and plenty of others) feel the spark, and I tried desperately to convert that initial excitement into a relationship.

You may also think you feel the spark when your date is playing games or sending mixed signals. People often confuse anxiety for chemistry.”

“Why not set a default that you’ll go on the second date? Not only will this help you avoid the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative, it will also help you look for that slow-burn person instead of seeking the spark.

Of course, there are exceptions. But assume you’ll go out with someone a second time unless something dramatic happens to dissuade you.””

““Ghosters” feel worse than if they’d been up front with their feelings.

Two cognitive biases help explain why this happens: first, our poor ability to make affective forecasts. In other words, we’re lousy at predicting how situations will make us feel in the future, like how we’ll feel after we’ve ghosted someone. Second, our views about ourselves change over time, depending on how we behave. According to psychologist Daryl Bem’s self-perception theory, this happens because we don’t have access to our inner thoughts and feelings. We look to our actions to tell us who we are. This helps explain why research shows that volunteering is one of the most reliable ways to boost our happiness. Volunteers consistently see higher levels of happiness and self-esteem than non-volunteers, because when they’re done, they look at their actions and think, I’m spending my time helping people. I must be pretty generous after all!

People ghost to avoid feeling awkward. Yet, in accordance with self-perception theory, after people ghost they look at their actions and think, I did kind of a mean thing. I might be a dick. And then they feel worse about themselves.”

“Have you ever polished off an entire tub of movie theater popcorn by yourself, not realizing how much you were eating until your hand grazed the cardboard bottom? If you’re anything like me, probably. What about eating a whole package of snack-size bags in one sitting? Probably not. That’s because reaching the end of a container — however big or small — creates a decision point: a moment that interrupts our automatic behavior and gives us an opportunity to make a conscious choice. In this case: “Do I want to keep eating popcorn?”

Research by behavioral scientists Amar Cheema and Dilip Soman demonstrated the power of decision points in a clever (and, I assume, delicious) study. They gave each participant a package of twenty cookies to snack on while completing a series of tasks. They packaged the cookies in three different ways: all twenty stacked in one column; divided up into smaller sections with white waxed paper; or divided up with pieces of colored waxed paper.

The tasks themselves didn’t matter. What the researchers really cared about was whether the packaging affected how many cookies the participants ate and how quickly they ate them. They found that the participants whose cookies were separated by colored paper ate fewer cookies and took longer to consume them. That’s because the colored waxed paper created more obvious decision points, chances to shift their brains from unconscious thinking (or, in this case, snacking) to deliberate decision-making. The stack of cookies offered no decision point, and the white waxed paper was easy to ignore. But the colored paper jolted the cookie eaters out of their mindless snacking and forced them to consider:“Should I keep eating these cookies?”

All areas of life present decision points, not just eating cookies or popcorn. Relationships, in particular, are full of decision points. Many of them stress us out and keep us up at night. But I see decision points as gifts — opportunities to pause, take a breath, and reflect on what we’re doing. We can take inventory of our lives and strategize about our next move. This allows us to make better, more thoughtful decisions.”

Relationships

“Before you move in together, set aside a weekend to answer these questions:

1. Why are we moving in together?
2. What does moving in together mean to you?
3. Where do you see this relationship going in the future?
4. Is marriage something we’re considering? If so, when do you see us getting married?
5. What are your fears about living together?”

“Behavioral economist Amos Tversky used to go to the movies, and if he didn’t enjoy the first five minutes of the film, he’d leave. “They’ve already taken my money,” he explained. “Should I give them my time, too?”

Tversky understood — and therefore tried to avoid-1the sunk-cost fallacy. It’s the feeling that once you invest in something, you should see it through.”

“Couples who date longer before getting married have better odds of staying together, in part because that honeymoon-period high is already wearing off when they tie the knot. Their eyes are more open when they say “I do.” Couples who wait one to two years before getting engaged are 20 percent less likely to get divorced than those who wait under a year before putting a ring on it. Couples who wait at least three years before engagement are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year.

It’s not just about waiting until you’ve been with the person for a longer period of time. It also might pay to get married when you’re a bit older. Researchers like sociologist Philip Cohen attribute the declining divorce rate since the 1980s partially to couples getting married later.”

“EXERCISE: Answer the All About Us Questions

Set aside one night per conversation. I recommend doing an activity together first to help you feel connected. Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that one of the moments when we feel most attracted to our partners is when we admire their individual talents. Invest in that attraction by teaching each other a new skill. If one of you is a great cook, why not teach the other a new recipe?

You also want to make the experience feel romantic. I mean, you’re talking about possibly getting married — what could be more romantic than that? Set the scene. Dress up. (Read: Don’t wear those hideous red sweatpants you got at someone’s bat mitzvah ten years ago and refuse to throw away even though your fiancé hates them.) Pull out the bottle of wine you’ve been saving, cue the Sam Cooke playlist, and snuggle up to answer these questions.

Conversation #1: The Past

• What are three moments about your past that you feel define you?
• How do you think your childhood affects who you are today?
• Did your parents fight? What are your fears around relationship conflict?
• What traditions from your family do you want to carry on in our family?
• How did your family talk (or not talk) about sex when you were growing up?
• What did money represent in your family?
• What baggage from your family do you want to leave in the past?

Conversation #2: The Present

• Do you feel comfortable talking to me as things come up?
• Is there anything about our communication style that you want to work on?
• Do you feel like you can be yourself in the relationship? Why or why not?
• What changes would you like to make to our relationship?
• How well do you think we handle conflict?
• What’s your favorite ritual that we do together?
• What’s something you wish we did more of together?
• How well do you feel like I know your friends and family? Is there anyone in your life (family, friend, coworker) whom you’d like me to get to know better?
• How often would you like to be having sex? How could our sex life be better? What can I do to improve it? What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have been afraid to ask for?
• How often do you think about money?
• Let’s talk openly about our finances. Do you have student loans? Credit card debt? Is my debt your debt?
• What’s the most you’d spend on a car? A couch? A pair of shoes?

Conversation #3: The Future

• Where do you want to live in the future?
• Do you want to have kids? If yes, how many? When?
• If we cant conceive on our own, what other options would we consider? Adoption? Surrogacy?
• What are your expectations around splitting child care and housework duties?
• How often do you want to see your family?
• What role do you want religion or spirituality to play in our lives?
• Do you want to discuss a prenup? What fears does that bring up for you?
• How do you expect to split finances in the future?
• Do you expect you’ll always want to work? What happens if one of us wants to take time off?
• If I were considering a big purchase, at what point would you want me to call you? (For example, what’s the cutoff for how much I can spend without checking in with you first?)
• What are your long-term financial goals?
• What are you most looking forward to in the future?
• What is a dream of yours for the future? How can I help you achieve it?”

“Every Sunday night, Scott and I sit down on our big white couch to talk. He always sits near the door (which I choose not to read too much into), and I sprawl out on the ottoman. He’s usually eating popcorn, and I’m still feeling stuffed from dinner.

We ask each other these three questions: How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week? Sometimes this Check-In flies by in under five minutes. But when we’re having an off week, the Check-In turns into a long, intimate conversation. Sure, these discussions can be difficult, but they’re frequently important and illuminating. We try to deal with problems as they arise. It’s how we stay connected and discover new things about ourselves and our relationship. Creating this ritual lets us address what’s going on before too much time passes and too much resentment has built up.

Just as important as the Check-In conversation is the ritual itself. Making this a consistent, recurring event takes advantage of a super-simple principle behavioral scientists often employ: If we put something on our calendar, and make it the default, we’re way more likely to actually do it. And because these Check-Ins are recurring events on our calendar, neither of us has to nag the other into finding the time to talk about what matters. The calendar does the nudging for us.”

“EXERCISE: Design Your Own Check-In Ritual

Sit with your partner and answer these questions together:

1. When do you want to have this weekly ritual?
2. Where do you want your Check-In to take place? Think of a spot where you’re both comfortable. The couch? A favorite bench at a nearby park?
3. What questions do you want to ask each other each week?
4. How can you make this ritual special? For example, could you eat your favorite dessert while answering the questions, or give each other a foot massage?
5. What will you do to check in if you’re not physically together?”