Top Quotes: “How To Talk To Anyone” — Leil Lowndes

Background: Lowndes is a communications master who gives a ton of actionable tips on how to make better first impressions, have higher quality conversations, and make others feel good about speaking with you. I thought she had some amazing insights that I would never have thought about and I can’t wait to start using them in my life! She has a very fun and cool vibe and is definitely someone I want to learn more and be like :) I didn’t write down every technique here — just chose my favorites (there’s still a lot!).

Technique #1: The Flooding Smile

“Don’t flash an immediate smile as you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.”

Technique #2: Hang By Your Teeth

“Visualize a clown iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.”

Technique #3: The Big-Baby Pivot

“The instant you are introduced to someone, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, total-body turn, and undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet and beamed a toothless grin. Pivoting 100% toward the new person shouts, ‘I think you are very, very special.’”

“When an attractive man wandered our way, Carla flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, ‘Hello, come join us.’”

Technique #4: Hello Old Friend

“When meeting someone, imagine they are an old friend. How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackeral, now the event has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes — and everything in between.”

“When you’re traveling somewhere and find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact that you won’t understand a thing, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance. I’ve used this technique in Europe an sometimes my friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!”

“An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them.”

Technique #5: Limit the Fidget

“Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing or something isn’t right.”

“Professional communicators consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on the listener. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility.”

Technique #6: Hans’ Horse Sense

“Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick.”

Technique #7: Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene

“Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with perfect posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making great eye contact. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.”

“Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their running, whatever their favorite activity is. Experts agree that if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.”

“Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party or the meeting.”

“A tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you never make a hit with that person.”

Technique #8: Make a Mood Match

“Before opening your mouth, take a ‘voice sample’ of your listener to detect their state of mind. Take a ‘psychic photograph’ of the expression to see if your listener looks buyoant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.”

“Small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about making comforting noises together, like cats purring or groups chanting.”

“If someone in the elevator says shyly and in a dismayed tone, ‘This elevator is slow,’ don’t loudly jump in with a ton of factoids about elevators. Simply quietly agree with them, at least at first.”

Technique #9: Prosaic with Passion

“80% of your listener’s first impression has nothing to do with your words. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an emphatic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.”

“How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar.”

Technique #10: Always Wear a Whatzit

“Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your…what IS that?’”

Technique #11: Eavesdrop In

“Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with, ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear.’ Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily.”

Technique #12: Never The Naked Intro

“When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlyweds to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.”

“If you’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during the intro, mention their hobby or talent. ‘Leil, I’d like you to meet Gilbert. Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.’”

Technique #13: Be a Word Detective

“Listen to your conversation partner’s every word for clues to their preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on a slip of the tongue.”

“No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his turn next.”

Technique #14: Parroting

“Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in their court, an all you have to do is listen.”

Technique #15: Avoid the Obvious (and Insensitive) Question

“Don’t directly ask someone what they do for work. This could make a stay-at-home parent or someone who isn’t proud of their job feel uncomfortable.” “How do you find out what someone does for a living? Say, ‘How do you spend most of your time?’”

Technique #16: Your Personal Thesaurus

“Look up some common words you use every day — like smart, nice, pretty, or good — in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember, only 50 words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.”

Technique #17: Kill The Quick “Me, Too!”

“Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) they will be. You emerge as a confident big cat. (P.S. Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it’ll seem you’re being tricky.)”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” “I was enjoying hearing about ____ so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.”

Technique #18: CommYOUnication

“Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into ‘me’ terms. When you sprinkle you liberally throughout your conversations, your listeners find it irresistible.”

“Which request do you think your boss is going to react to more positively? ‘Can I take Friday off, Boss?’ or ‘Boss, can you do without me Friday?’ In the first case, Boss had to translate ‘Can I take Friday off?’ into ‘Can I do without this employee Friday?’ That’s an extra thought process. However, in the second case, you did the Boss’ thinking for her. Your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for Boss.”

“Which gives you warmer feelings? ‘I like your suit’ or ‘You look great in that suit’? ‘That’s a good question’ or ‘You’ve asked a great question’?”

Technique #19: The Exclusive Smile

“If you flash everybody the same smile, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty you find in each new face. If one person is more important to you than the tohers, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for them.”

Technique #20: Plan Your Humor

“Humor enriches any conversation. Plan your humor and make it relevant. For example, if you’re going to a meeting on the budget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business meeting, a little levity shows you’re at ease and can break the tension and win the appreciation of all.

Technique #21: Gracefully Compliment Big Stars

“People who are VIPs in their own right (you!) don’t slobber over celebrities. When you’re chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.”

Technique #22: Never The Naked Thank You

“Never let the phrase ‘thank you’ stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it up with ‘for’: from ‘Thank you for asking’ to ‘Thank you for zipping me up.’”

Technique #23: Learn A Little Jobbledygook

“Big winners speak jobbledygook as a second language. What is jobbledygook? The language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. How do you learn it? Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold.”

“All you need to get started is two good opening art questions and a warning against the most-asked dumb outsider question.”

Technique #24: Know The Insider Issues

“Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.”

Technique #25: Bluffing For Bargains

“Before every big purchase, find several vendors — a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the store where you’re going to buy.”

Technique #26: Echoing

“Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives — and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, attitudes, interests, and experiences.”

“Suppose you are selling a car to a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety because she has a ‘toddler.’ Don’t use whatever word you call your kids. Don’t even say ‘child-protection lock,’ which was in your sales manual. Tell your prospect, ‘No toddler can open the window of the driver’s control device’ and call it a ‘toddler-protection lock.’”

“If you’re chatting with a lawyer who tells you her profession is maligned, when it comes your turn to speak, say ‘profession’ too.”

Technique #27: Employ Empathizers

“Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like ‘I see what you mean.’ Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like ‘That’s a lovely thing to say.’ Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.”

“Empathizers can range from ‘I can appreciate you decided to do that’ to ‘That really is exciting’ to ‘Yes, that was the honorable thing to do’ or ‘It’s charming you felt that way.’”

Technique #28: The Premature We

“Create a sense of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words ‘we,’ ‘us,’ and ‘our.’”

“Ask your prospect’s feelings on something the way you would query a friend: ‘How do you feel about the new governor?’ Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you. ‘Do you think we’re going to prosper during his administration?’”

“The word ‘we’ fosters togetherness. It gives a subliminal feeling of ‘you and me against the cold, cold world.’ When you prematurely say ‘we’ or ‘us’ to strangers, it hints you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone standing behind you in the buffet line: ‘They really laid out a nice spread for us’ or ‘We’re going to get bloated if we let ourselves enjoy all of this.’”

Technique #29: Instant History

“When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History.

Technique #30: Grapevine Glory

“A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the world about their greatness.”

Technique #31: Carrier Pigeon Kudos

“Become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compiment. Everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts.”

“Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carrier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or email people with info they might find interesting. If your friend is a furniture designer and you see an article about furniture, send it to him. A relevant clipping is the big winner’s way of saying, ‘I’m thinking about you and your interests.’”

Technique #32: Implied Mangificence

“Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose something positive about the person you’re talking with.”

“Try saying, ‘You’ve obviously been well’ when you see someone you haven’t seen for a while.”

Technique #33: Accidental Adulation

“Stealthingly sneak praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence. Tell your 66 year old uncle, ‘Anyone as fit as you would have zipped right up those stairs, but boy, was I out of breath.’ Tell a colleague: ‘Because you’re so knowledgeable in contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly, I signed it.”

Technique #34: Killer Compliment

“Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality they have. At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye. Say their name and proceed to curl all 10 toes with the Killer Compliment.”

“A Killer Compliment is not ‘I like your tie’ or ‘You’re a very nice person.’ It’s more like ‘What exquisite eyes you have’ (very specific) or ‘You have a wonderful air of honesty about you’ (very personal).”

Technique #35: Little Strokes

“Don’t make your colleagues, friends, and loved ones look at you and silently say, ‘Haven’t I been pretty good today?’ Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like ‘Well done,’ ‘Nice job,’ and ‘Cool!’”

“If your spouse just cooked a great meal, ‘Wow you’re the best chef in town.’ Just before going out together, ‘Gee, honey, you look great.’ After a long drive, ‘You did it! It must have been tiring.’ With your kids, ‘Hey gang, great job cleaning up your room.’”

Technique #36: Boomeranging

“Let compliments or concerned questions boomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur something that expresses, ‘That’s very kind of you.’ Don’t just say ‘thank you.’ If she says, “I like those shoes,” you say, ‘Oh, I’m so happy you told me. I just got them.’ He says, ‘You did a really good job on this project,’ you say, ‘Oh, that’s so nice of you to say. I appreciate your positive feedback.’”

“You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or anything that shows they are interested in you. Your colleague asks, ‘How was your vacation in Hawaii?’ You answer, ‘Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks!’ Your boss asks, ‘Are you over your cold now?’ You answer, ‘I appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.’”

Technique #37: The Tombstone Game

“Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don’t mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say ‘I appreciate you,’ fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier. You can take people’s breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment. ‘At last, they say to themselves, ‘someone who loves me for who I truly am.’”

“Step One: In a quiet moment chatting your friend, loved one, or business partner, tell them that the other day you were reading about tombstones. ‘The piece was about,’ you say, ‘what people fantasize will be inscribed above their grave after they die.’ You learned that people want the quality they are most proud of etched in stone. Example: Here lies Diane. She was a caring woman. Or here lies Billy. By golly, he could make people laugh. Step Two: Reveal to your partner what you’d like carved on your tombstone. Step Three: Ask the person what they’re most proud of and what they’d like on their tombstone.”

Technique #38: The Radio Star

“Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama every time you pick up the phone. If you want to come across as engaging as you are, you must turn your smile into sound, your nods into noise, and all your gestures into something your listeners can hear. Then punch up the whole act 30%!”

“Instead of hitting your head in surprise, say, “What a surprise!’ or “You don’t say!’ In place of a look of admiration, try ‘That was wise of you!’ or “You’re no dummy!’ Instead of smiling, say ‘Oh wow, that’s funny!’”

Technique #39: Name Shower

“People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your caller’s name recreates the eye contact, the caress you might give in person.”

Technique #40: Oh Wow, It’s You!

“Don’t answer the phone with an ‘I’m just soo happy all the time’ attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill into your voice. Say ‘Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you called.’ You make your caller feel as though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for them.”

Technique #41: Rubberneck The Room

“When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves. See who is talking to whom and select a few targets of who you’d like to talk to.”

Technique #42: Come Hither Hands

“Be a human magnet. When standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open position — especially your arms and hands. People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductively arranged in the ‘come hither’ position. They shy away from knuckles in the ‘get lost’ position. Use your wrists and palms to say, ‘I have nothing to hide’ ‘I accept you and what you’re saying,’ or ‘I find you sexy.’”

“Stand confidently in a clearing, not in a corner. Position yourself near a doorway since everyone must pass your way at some point in the evening.”

“Controlled studies show that partygoers are more comfortable approaching people who stand with an open body, arms uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight smile on their faces.”

Technique #43: Tracking

“Like an air traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners’ lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s life, it confirms the deep conviction that they are an old-style hero around whom the world revolves, the world’s most important person. And people love you for recognizing their stardom.”

“If a prospect mentions they had Rice Krispies for breakfast, allude to it later. If in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, find a way to refer to it on another. If your client mentions he’s a resolute flosser, compliment him at a later date on his discipline.”

“One of the most powerful forms of tracking is remembering anniversaries of people’s personal achievements. Did your boss get promoted one year ago today? Did your client go public? How much more memorable than a birthday card to send a one-year congrats note.”

Technique #44: See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers

“Cool communicators allow everyone around them the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions. They simply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas. Big winners never gape at another’s gaffes.”

Technique #45: Let Them Savor The Favor

“Whenever your friend agrees to a favor, allow your generous buddy time to reflish the joy of their beneficence before you make them pay the piper. At least 24 hours.”

Technique #46: Tit For (Wait…Wait) Tat

“When you do someone a favor and it’s obvious that ‘he owes you one,’ wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to ‘pay.’ Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction) that you did it out of friendship. Don’t call in your tit for their tat too swiftly.”

Technique #47: Buttercups For Their Boss

“Do you have a store clerk, junior partner, tailor, mechanic, maitre d’, massage therapist, kids’ teacher — or any other special worker you want special attention from in the future? The surefire way to make them care enough to give you their very best is to send a buttercup to their boss.”

“Gush to someone who is doing you a favor or serving you well, ‘Wow, you’re great! What’s your boss’ name? Your supervisor should get a letter of congrats for hiring you. You really try harder for your customers.’ Don’t just ask ‘What’s your boss’ name?’ because this could make them nervous.”

“Example letter: ‘Dear [Boss], I know how important customer service is to an org like yours. This letter is to commend [Name]. They are an excellent example of an [Title] who gives exceptional service. [Name of Business] continues to have my business thanks in part to the service given by [Name].’”