Top Quotes: “How to Win Friends and Influence People” — Dale Carnegie

Never Criticize

“He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or didn’t fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone that the hat was designed to protect them from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.”

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’”

Make People Feel Important

“A desire for a feeling of importance led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for 50 cents. You’ve probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.”

Talk About What People Want

“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you’re interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we’re only interested in what we want.

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Remember that tomorrow when you’re trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk to them about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the 100-yard dash.”

“Stan came home from work one evening to find his son kicking and screaming on the living room floor. He was to start kindergarten the next day and was protesting that he would not go. Stan’s normal reaction would have been to banish the child to his room and tell him he’d just better make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight, recognizing that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, ‘If I were Tim, why would I be excited about going to kindergarten?’ He and his wife made a list of all the fun things Tim would do such as finger painting, singing songs, making new friends. Then they put them into action. ‘We all started finger painting on the kitchen table — my wife, my other son, and myself, all having fun. Soon Tim was peeping around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. ‘Oh, no! You have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger-paint.’ With all the enthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in terms he could understand — telling him all the fun he would have in kindergarten.’”

“Another dad, a telephone engineer, couldn’t get his 3-year-old daughter to eat breakfast food. The usual scolding, pleading, coaxing methods had all ended in futility. So the parents asked themselves: ‘How can we make her want to do it?’

The little girl loved to imitate her mom, to feel big and grown up; so one morning they put her on a chair and let her make the breakfast food. At just the psychological moment, Father drifted into the kitchen while she was stirring the cereal and she said, ‘Oh, look, Daddy, I’m making the cereal this morning.’

She ate two helpings of the cereal without any coaxing, because she was interested in it. She had achieved a feeling of importance; she had found in making cereal an avenue of self-expression.”

“William Winter once remarked that ‘self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helplings of it.

Remember: ‘First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’”

Say Their Name

“Napoleon III, Emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could remember the name of every person he met.

His technique? Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, ‘So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.’ Then, if it was an unusual name he would say, ‘How is it spelled?’

During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression, and general appearance.

If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even further pains. As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear expression.”

“Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”

Avoid Arguing at All Costs

“I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it.

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he’s absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And —

A man convinced against his will

Is of the same opinion still.”

“Some suggestions to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

• Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, ‘When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.’ If there’s some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it’s brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
• Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
• Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes them angry.
• Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend, or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
• Look for areas of agreement. When you’ve heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
• Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
• Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It’s a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.
• Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I’m quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after he was married nearly 50 years, once said, ‘My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve gotten with each other. When one yells, the other should listen — because when two people yell, there’s no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.”

“Men must be taught if you taught them not

And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Over 300 years ago, Galileo said:

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

As Lord Chesterfield said to his son:

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

Socrates said repeatedly to his followers:

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

I have quit telling people that they’re wrong. And it pays.

If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong — yes, even that you know is wrong — isn’t it better to begin by saying: ‘Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’

There’s magic in such phrases as ‘I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.’

Nobody in the heavens above or the earth beneath will ever object to your saying: ‘I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.’

A Dodge dealer tried a new tack. When someone would complain, he would say something like: ‘Our dealership has made so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. We may have erred in your case. Tell me about it.’”

“When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’ ‘that’s unreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice.’ Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”

“After several sessions of this course, I realized all too well where I had made my mistakes. I called another meeting and this time I asked where they felt their problems were. We discussed each point, and I asked them their opinions on which was the best way to proceed. With a few low-keyed suggestions, at proper intervals, I let them develop my system themselves. At the end of the meeting when I actually presented my system, they enthusiastically accepted it.”

“MLK was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. He said, ‘I judge people by their own principles — not by my own.’

“Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’”

Criticize Yourself Before Someone Else Can

“I was in for it. I knew it. So I didn’t wait until the policeman started talking. I beat him to it. I said: ‘Officer, you’ve caught me red-handed. I’m guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses. You warned me last week that if I brought my dog out here again without a muzzle you would fine me.’

‘Well, now,’ he responded in a soft tone. ‘I know it’s a temptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody is around.’

‘Sure it’s a temptation,’ I replied, ‘But it’s against the law.’

‘Well, a little dog like that isn’t going to harm anybody,’ he remonstrated.

‘No, but he may kill squirrels,’ I said.

‘Well now, I think you’re taking this a bit too seriously,’ he told me. ‘I’ll tell you what you do. You just let him run over the hill there where I can’t see him — and we’ll forget all about it.’

That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance, so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.

Instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. The affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and him taking my side.

If we know we’re going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to or intends to say — and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are 100:1 that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.”

“‘I said, ‘Mr. So-and-so, if what you say is true, I’m at fault and there’s absolutely no excuse for my blunder. I’ve been doing drawings for you long enough to know better. I’m ashamed of myself.’

Immediately he started to defend me. ‘Yes, you’re right, but after all, this isn’t a serious mistake. It is only — ‘

I interrupted him. ‘Any mistake, I said, ‘may be costly and they’re all irritating.’

He started to break in, but I wouldn’t let him. I was having a grand time. For the first time in my life, I was criticizing myself — and I loved it.

‘I should have been more careful,’ I continued. ‘You give me a lot of work, and you deserve the best; so I’m going to do this drawing all over.’

‘No! No!’ he protested, ‘I wouldn’t think of putting you to all that trouble.’ He praised my work, assured me that he wanted only a minor change and that my slight error hadn’t cost his firm any money; and, after all, it was a mere detail — not worth worrying about.

My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him. He ended up by taking me to lunch; and before we parted, he gave me a check and another commission.’

There’s a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.”

“For example, when one irritated reader wrote in to say that he didn’t agree with such and such an article and ended by calling Hubbard this and that, Elbert Hubbard would answer like this:

Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I’m glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you’re in the neighborhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here’s a handclasp over the miles.”

Be Lavish with Praise

“‘Everyone told me that the landlord was extremely difficult to deal with. But I said to myself, ‘I’m studying a course in how to deal with people, so I’ll try it on him — and see how it works.

He and his secretary came to see me as soon as he got my letter. I met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with good will and enthusiasm. I didn’t begin talking about how high the rent was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment. Believe me, I was ‘hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’ I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it.

He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He hardly knew what to make of it.

Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One had written him 14 letters, some of them positively insulting. Another threatened to break his lease unless the landlord kept the man on the floor above from snoring. ‘What a relief it is,’ he said, ‘to have a satisfied tenant like you.’ And then, without my even asking him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so I named the figure I could afford to pay, and he accepted without a word.

As he was leaving, he turned to me and asked, ‘What decorating can I do for you?’

If I’d tried to get the rent reduced by the methods the other tenants were using, I’m positive I should’ve met with the same failure they encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won.’”

“I read a fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, ‘I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can.’

So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who’ve learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Begin By Agreeing

“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing — and keep on emphasizing — the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing. If possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only differene is one of method and not of purpose.

Get the other person saying, ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying, ‘No.’

A ‘No’ response is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you’ve said, ‘No,’ all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the ‘No’ was ill-advised; nevertheless, there’s your precious pride to consider!”

“Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction.

The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says ‘No’ and really means it, the entire organism — glandular, nervous, muscular — gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to the contrary, a person says ‘Yes,’ none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more ‘Yeses’ we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.”

Let Other People Talk More

“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It’s dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.”

“During the interview, he remarked: ‘I should be mighty proud to be associated with an organization with a record like yours. I understand you started 28 years ago with nothing but desk room and one stenographer. Is that true?’

Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles. This man was no exception. He talked for a long time about how he’d started with $450 and an idea. He told how he’d fought against discouragement and battled against ridicule, working Sundays and holidays, 12–16 hours a day; how he’d finally won against all odds until now the most important execs on Wall Street were coming to him for guidance. He was proud of such a record. He had a right to be, and he had a splendid time telling about it. Finally, he questioned the interviewee about his experience, then called in one of this VPs and said, ‘I think this is the person we’re looking for.’

The interviewee had taken the trouble to find out about the accomplishments of his prospective employer. He showed an interested in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking — and made a favorable impression.”

Let People Figure It Out for Themselves

“Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions — and let the other person think out the conclusion?

A sales manager in an auto showroom suddenly found himself confronted with the necessity of injecting enthusiasm into a discouraged group of salespeople. Calling a meeting, he urged his people to tell him exactly what they expected from him and wrote their ideas on the blackboard. He then said: ‘I’ll give you all these qualities you expect from me. Now I want you tell me what I have a right to expect from you.’ The replies came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, 8 hours a day of enthusiastic work.”

“With half a dozen unfinished artists’ sketches under his arm, he rushed over to the buyer’s office. ‘I want you to do me a little favor, if you will,’ he said. ‘Here are some uncompleted sketches. Won’t you please tell me how we could finish them up in such a way that you could use them?’

The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word. Finally he said: ‘Leave these me with me for a few days.’

He returned 3 days later, got his suggestions, took the sketches back to the studio and had them finished according to the buyer’s ideas. The result? All accepted.”

“‘I was surprised and complimented to get the letter. I had never had an X-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before. It made me feel important. I was busy every night that week, but I canceled a dinner appointment in order to look over the equipment. The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself how much I liked it.”

Step Into Others’ Shoes

“Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

There’s a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason — and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.”

“Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively?

Here it is: ‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’”

“A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.”

“Instead of flying off the handle and making a scene, I decided to try other tactics. So I started like this: ‘I’ve listened to your story, and I still don’t beleive you intend to move. Years in the renting business have taught me something about human nature, and I sized you up in the first place as being a man of your word. In fact, I’m so sure of it that I’m willing to take a gamble.’

‘Now, here’s my proposition. Lay your decision on the table for a few days and think it over. If you come back to me between now and the first of the month, when your rent is due, and tell me you still intend to move, I’ll give you my word I’ll accept your decision as final. I’ll privilege you to move and admit to myself I’ve been wrong in my judgment. But I still believe you’re a man of your word and will live up to your contract. For after all, we’re either men or monkeys — and the choice usually lies with ourselves.’

‘Well, when the new month came around, this gentleman came to see me and paid his rent in person. He and his wife had talked it over, he said — and decided to stay. They’d concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to their lease.’”

Dramatize What You Want

“Dramatizing what you want works with children as well. One father was having difficulty getting his kids to pick up their toys, so he invented a ‘train.’ Joey was the engineer on his tricycle. Janet’s wagon was attached, and in the evening she loaded all the ‘coal’ on the caboose (her wagon) and then jumped in while her brother drove her around the room. In this way the room was cleaned up — without lectures, arguments, or threats.”

Never Say “But”

“Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement. The person will feel encouraged until the word ‘but’ and then might question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we’d probably not acheive our objectives of changing his attitude.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ ‘We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.’”

Admit Your Faults and Follies First When You Give Others Feedback

“When I wanted to call Josephine’s attention to a mistake, I used to begin by saying, ‘You’ve made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I’ve made. You weren’t born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you’re better than I was at your age. I’ve been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself. I’ve very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you’d done so and so?’

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”

Suggest, Don’t Order

“This man declared that during all that time he had never heard him give a direct order to anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. He’d say, ‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that would work?’ Frequently he would say, after he’d dictated a letter, ‘What do you think of this?’ In looking over a letter of one of his assistants, he would say, ‘Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.’ He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.”

Assume Virtue

“If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they’ll make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

Offer Personal Benefits with Requests

“When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he’ll personally benefit. ‘John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it’s done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I’m bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I’d like to show them the stockroom, but it’s in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.’”