Top Quotes: “Keeping Mr. Right” — Kenneth George

Background: Kenneth George is a therapist who specializes in gay male relationships. He wrote a book called “Finding Mr. Right” which was tailored toward the unique struggle queer men often experience when searching for love. This follow-up book “Keeping Mr. Right” focuses on how to maintain a healthy relationship with another man. I’d say 75%+ of the lessons are relevant for any couples — there are some outstanding tips everyone should follow — but it’s refreshing to be able to read a book that also does include some great insights specific to gay male couples. I’m not currently dating anyone, but I got a lot of great actionable tips that I will certainly employ in the future of how to be a good partner and foster a strong, lasting relationship.

On Adjusting Your Mindset

“Only a crazy person can A) read minds or B) predict the future. When I start doing either of those, I stop and remind myself that I’m not crazy and can’t do those things. Feelings and thoughts along these lines turn into harmful behaviors (i.e. my lover is late for dinner so he’s having an affair).”

“Predicting a positive future for you and your lover will cause you to do behaviors that lead toward that.”

“When you were dating your lover, your thoughts about him were positive, so you felt good about the relationship and smiled a lot. Do you still have the same thoughts? Pretend your lover can read your mind — you shouldn’t be thinking a lot of thoughts you wouldn’t want him to know about.”

On Expectations

“Unrealistic expectations for a relationship:

• Express your needs and always have them met
• Have the same expectations about finances, pets, etc.
• Never fight
• Be able to ask your lover to make changes and he’ll agree”

If it’s a healthy relationship: “Even if there are things about him you don’t like, he’s still a wonderful man.”

“Each lover is a star in the area that makes him special (i.e. cooking, navigation, socializing in big groups). It’s not better or worse to be the star, jut the way it is. You should accept each other’s stardom in different areas and accept differences as being special.”

On Differences

“Everyone has habits that their lover might find annoying. Some ways to address this: Meet every Thursday night to talk about differences that are currently upsetting you. Identify differences as a problem for you, express how it makes you feel, and explain why it upsets you. Offer to help. Don’t make it about him, make it about you. Repeat if his response isn’t empathetic. Even though it is my problem, I’m concerned it’ll cause a problem for the two of us. Think of multiple solutions and mutually agree on one. Set exact terms (time range, etc.)”

On Respect & Power

“Ask for help, offer help, and accept offers of help often to avoid a controlling relationship.”

“When you observe your lover is having trouble in a certain area, wait to see if he accepts your help after you offer it. He may want to get his ideas more organized before he’s truly ready to accept your help. Helping him without permission is controlling.”

“Never say anything about your lover to friends or family that you wouldn’t say to him. If anyone speaks negatively about him, tell them it’s not acceptable.”

What To Do When Entering a Relationship

“Know each other’s important expectations for a relationship early on and agree to fulfill them. Examples of expectations: Discuss current events regularly, visit my family for Christmas every year, go out every weekend

• Each of you should make a list of your expectations and discuss differences and what changes you’re willing to make or are unwilling to. Then, agree on a “relationship contract” that combines both of your expectations.
• Schedule 2 days a week moving forward — one for each of you to make a request of the other, such as “take a long walk together” or “give me a back rub.”
• Update the relationship contract as years go by.”

What To Do When Needs Aren’t Met

“You feel vulnerable when your emotional needs aren’t being fulfilled. Rejected, abandoned, neglected, unloved, powerless, inadequate, devalued, disrespected. Don’t react with anger or by getting the lover to change.”

“You also have emotional expectations. Use anger to identify relationship problems, but talk to each other about hurt, not anger.”

“When angry, write A) the situation that caused the anger B) the thoughts you have and C) what they have in common (fear of criticism, fear of being rejected, etc.). Ask for physical closeness, express what bothers you and he should just silently listen. Say what you need to feel better right in that moment. Then take a walk but only discuss unrelated positive things.”

“Don’t spend a lot of time discussing petty disagreements.”

“Make plans of change together if one’s emotional expectations aren’t being met.”