Top Quotes: “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” — Marshall Rosenberg
Introduction
“NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as to others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.”
“To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas — referred to as the four components of the NVC model.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation — to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.
Four components of NVC:
1. observations
2. feelings
3. needs
4. requests
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.”
She would follow immediately with the fourth component — a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus, part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other part of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing; then we discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece — their request.”
“When I encountered people or behaviors I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” “unreasonable.” If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!” When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.”
“Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example, instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.”
The relationship between language and violence is the subject of psychology professor O.]. Harvey’s research at the University of Colorado. He took random samples of pieces of literature from many countries around the world and tabulated the frequency of words that classify and judge people. His study shows a high correlation between frequent use of such words and frequency of incidents. It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished.”
“Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression have to, as in “There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not,” illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech. The phrase makes one feel, as in “You make me feel guilty,” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts.”
“We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
Another time, when I was consulting for a school district, a teacher remarked, “I hate giving grades. I don’t think they are helpful and they create a lot of anxiety on the part of students. But I have to give grades: it’s the district policy.” We had just been practicing how to introduce language in the classroom that heightens consciousness of responsibility for one’s actions. I suggested that the teacher translate the statement “I have to give grades because it’s district policy” to “I choose to give grades be- cause I want…” She answered without hesitation, “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job,” while hastening to add, “But I don’t like saying it that way. It makes me feel so responsible for what I’m doing.””
“I believe it is in everyone’s interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.”
“Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical or domination societies, where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals to those individuals’ own benefit. It would be in the interest of kings, czars, nobles, and so forth that the masses be educated in a way that renders them slavelike in mentality. The language of wrongness, should, and have to is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves — to outside authorities — for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings.”
“The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”
“A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1. Words such as that, like, as if:
“I feel that you should know better.”
“I feel like a failure.”
“I feel as if I’m living with a wall.”
2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:
“I feel I am constantly on call.”
“I feel it is useless.”
3. Names or nouns referring to people:
“I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.”
“I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
Conversely, in the English language, it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.”
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
1. Description of what we think we are:
“I feel inadequate as a guitar player.
In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings.”
2. Expressions of actual feelings:
“I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.”
“I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.”
“I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.
The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion. Likewise, it is helpful to differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings. The following are examples of statements that are easily mistaken as expressions of feelings: in fact: they reveal more how we think others are behaving than what we are actually feeling ourselves.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
- “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.”
The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.”
- “I feel misunderstood.”
Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion.”
“NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism
For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” If choosing to take it personally, we might react: “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves: We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
1. blame ourselves.
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest: “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.”
When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
2. blame others.
When receiving negative messages, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
Finally, a fourth option on receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.
We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.
Example 2
A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!”
B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.””
“It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:
“It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
2. The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I:
“I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
3. Statements that mention only the actions of others:
“When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”
“Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I”
For example:
1. “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
2. “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”
“We express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting. “How do you do a don’t?” goes a line of a children’s song by my colleague Ruth Bebermeyer: “All I know is I feel won’t when I’m told to do a don’t.””
“An assertion like “You didn’t hear me,” “That’s not what I said,” or “You’re misunderstanding me,” may easily lead Peter to think that he is being chastised. Since the teacher perceives Peter as having sincerely responded to ‘her request for a reflection, she might say, “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.”
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.”
“If even one member of a group is conscious of the importance of clearly requesting the response that is desired, he or she can extend this consciousness to the group. For example, when this particular speaker didn’t define what response he wanted, a member of the group might have said, “I’m confused about how you’d like us to respond to your story. Would you be willing to say what response you’d like from us?” Such interventions can prevent the waste of precious group time.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
Conversations often drag on and on, fulfilling no one’s needs, because it is unclear whether the initiator of the conversation has gotten what she or he wanted. In India, when people have received the response they want in conversations they have initiated, they say “bas” (pronounced “bus”). This means, “You need not say more. I feel satisfied and am now ready to move on to something else.” Though we lack such a word in our own language, we can benefit from developing and promoting “bas-consciousness” in all our interactions.”
“We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want them to comply if they can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.” However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t agree to the request.”
“Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them. The Austrian-born Israeli philosopher Martin Buber describes this quality of presence that life demands of us: “In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
“My friend Holley Humphrey identified some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples:
Advising: “I think you should… “”How come you didn’t …?”*
One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just …”
Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time ..”
Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing.”
Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
Explaining: “I would have called but…”
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.””
“Questions such as, “When did this begin?” constituted the most frequent response; they give the appearance that the professional is obtaining the information necessary to diagnose and then treat the problem. In fact, such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires. When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people — we are not with them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence — we are wholly présent with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing. Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.”
“In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Imagine you’ve loaned your car to a new neighbor who had a personal emergency, and when your family finds out, they react with intensity: “You are a fool for having trusted a total stranger!” You can use the components of NVC to tune in to the feelings and needs of those family members in contrast to either (1) blaming yourself by taking the message personally, or (2)blaming and judging them.
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.”
“NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Questions may focus on these components:
1. what others are observing:
“Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?”
2. how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings: “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?”
3.what others are requesting: “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?”
These questions require us to sense what’s going on within other people, while inviting their corrections should we have sensed incorrectly. Notice the difference between these questions and the ones below:
- “What did I do that you are referring to?”
- “How are you feeling?” “Why are you feeling that way?”
- “What are you wanting me to do about it?”
This second set of questions asks for information without first sensing the speaker’s reality. Though they may appear to be the most direct way to connect with what’s going on within the other person, I’ve found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain the information we seek. Many such questions may give speakers the impression that we’re a schoolteacher examining them or a psychotherapist working on a case. If we do decide to ask for information in this way, however, I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” While this step may not be necessary — or even helpful — in situations where our feelings and needs are clearly conveyed by the context or tone of voice, I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions.”
“When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.”
“There are no infallible guidelines regarding when to paraphrase, but as a rule of thumb, it is safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them.”
“When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. When hearing themselves reflected back, people are likely to be sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism or sarcasm. They are likewise negatively affected by a declarative tone that implies that we are telling them what is going on inside of them. If we are consciously listening for other people’s feelings and needs, however, our tone communicates that we’re asking whether we have understood — not claiming that we have understood.
We also need to be prepared for the possibility that the intention behind our paraphrasing will be misinterpreted. “Don’t pull any of that psychology crap on me!” we may be told. Should this occur, we continue our effort to sense the speaker’s feelings and needs; perhaps we see in this case that the speaker doesn’t trust our motives and needs more understanding of our intentions before he can appreciate hearing our paraphrases. As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message.”
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As author and mythologist Joseph Campbell suggested, “What will they think of me?’ must be put aside for bliss.” We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.
Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.”
“”Are you feeling guilty because you would have liked to have been more understanding of him than you have been at times?” If the mother continues to sense understanding in our reflection, she might move further into her feelings and declare, “I’m just a failure as a mother.” We continue to remain with the feelings and needs being expressed: “So you’re feeling discouraged and want to relate differently to him?” We persist in this manner until the person has exhausted all her feelings surrounding this issue.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
What evidence is there that we’ve adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second, even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.”
“How and when do we interrupt a dead conversation to bring it back to life? I’d suggest the best time to interrupt is when we’ve heard one word more than we want to hear. The longer we wait, the harder it is to be civil when we do step in. Our intention in interrupting is not to claim the floor for ourselves, but to help the speaker connect to the life energy behind the words being spoken.
We do this by tuning in to possible feelings and needs. Thus, if an aunt is repeating the story about how twenty years ago her husband deserted her and her two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.” People are not aware that empathy is often what they are needing. Neither do they realize that they are more likely to receive that empathy by expressing the feelings and needs that are alive in them than by recounting tales of past injustice and hardship.”
“This violent word, which we commonly use to evaluate ourselves, is so deeply ingrained in our consciousness that many of us would have trouble imagining how to live without it. It is the word should, as in “I should have known better” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” Most of the time when we use this word with ourselves, we resist learning, because should implies that there is no choice. Human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist because it threatens our autonomy — our strong need for choice. We have this reaction to tyranny even when it’s internal tyranny in the form of a should.
Avoid shoulding yourself!
A similar expression of internal demand occurs in the following self-evaluation: “What I’m doing is just terrible. I really must do something about it!” Think for a moment of all the people you’ve heard say, “I really should give up smoking,” or, “I really have to do something about exercising more.” They keep saying what they “must” do and they keep resisting doing it, because human beings were not meant to be slaves. We were not meant to succumb to the dictates of should and have to, whether they come from outside or inside of ourselves. And if we do yield and submit to these demands, our actions arise from an energy that is devoid of life-giving joy.”
“If we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?” When we do connect to the need — and there may be several layers of needs — we will notice a remarkable shift in our bodies. Instead of the shame, guilt, or depression we likely feel when criticizing ourselves for having” messed up again, we will experience anynumber of other feelings. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling, we have been endowed by nature with these feelings for a purpose: they mobilize us to pursue and fulfill what we need or value. The impact of these feelings on our spirit and bodies is substantially different from the disconnection that is brought on by guilt, shame, and depression.
Mourning in NVC is the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves. We see how our behavior ran counter to our own needs and values, and we open ourselves to feelings that arise out of that awareness. When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we are naturally stimulated toward creative possibilities for how to get that need met.”
“If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from “have to” to “choose to,” we will discover more play and integrity in our lives.”
“We may have strong feelings, but we are never angry. Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.
In addition to the third option of focusing on our own needs and feelings, the choice is ours at any moment to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs. When we choose this fourth option, we also never feel anger. We are not repressing the anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment that we are fully present with the other person’s feelings and needs.”
“Excuse me, hold on, hold it. Can you tell me what you heard me say?
What are you talking about?
Let me repeat what I’m trying to say. I really want you to just hear the pain I felt when I heard your words. It’s really important to me that you hear that. I was saying I felt a real sense of sadness because my experiences with Jewish people have been very different. I was just wishing that you had had some experiences that were different from the ones you were describing. Can you tell me what you heard me say?
You’re saying I have no right to talk the way I did.
No, I would like you to hear me differently. I really don’t want to blame you. I have no desire to blame you.
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
I intended to slow down the conversation, because in my experience, to whatever degree people hear blame, they have failed to hear our pain. If this man said, “Those were terrible things for me to say; those were racist remarks I made,” he would not have heard my pain. As soon as people think that they have done something wrong, they will not be fully apprehending our pain.
People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.”
“For those of you wishing to apply NVC, especially in challenging situations of anger, I would suggest the following exercise. As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.” List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are …” Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” In this way, you train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people.”
“In the middle of a conversation, if I ask the other person something about what they’ve just said, and I am met with “That’s a stupid question,” I hear them expressing a need in the form of a judgment of me. I proceed to guess what that need might be — maybe the question I asked did not fulfill their need to be understood. Or if I ask my partner to talk about the stress in our relationship and they answer, “I don’t want to talk about it, “ I may sense that their need is for protection from what they imagine could happen if we were to communicate about our relationship. So this is our work: learning to recognize the need in statements that don’t overtly express any need. It takes practice, and it always involves some guessing. Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their need into words. If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged — a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.”
“Non-action language, such as “Give me the freedom to grow” often exacerbates conflict. In this instance, the husband heard himself being judged as domineering. I pointed out to the wife that it wasn’t clear to her husband what she wanted: “Please tell him exactly what you’d like him to do to meet your need to have your choices respected.”
“I want you to let me-,” she began. I interrupted that “let” was too vague: “What do you really mean when you say you want somebody to ‘let’ you?”
After reflecting for a few seconds, she arrived at an important understanding. She acknowledged that what she really meant when she said things like “I want you to let me be” and “I want you to give me the freedom to grow” is for her husband to tell her that no matter what she did, it was okay.”
“Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. The first question is: What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
We seldom address the latter question, but when we do, we soon realize that punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to
have. I believe it is critical to be aware of the importance of people’s reasons for behaving as we request. For example, blaming or punishing would obviously not be effective strategies if we want children to clean their rooms out of either a desire for order or a desire to contribute to their parents’ enjoyment of order. Often children clean their rooms motivated by obedience to authority (“Because my Mom said so”), avoidance of punishment, or fear of upsetting or being rejected by parents. NVC, however, fosters a level of moral development based on autonomy and interdependence, whereby we acknowledge responsibility for our own actions and are aware that our own well-being and that of others are one and the same.”
“Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
