Top Quotes: “So Close To Being The Shit, Y’all Don’t Even Know” — Retta

Background: I’ve been a fan of Retta since Parks & Rec (I identify as 1/3 Donna, 1/3 Leslie, 1/3 Tom ;)) and now have enjoyed watching her in a dramatic role on Good Girls. I really didn’t know much of anything about her as a person, so I was very curious to read this autobiography. She’s had a very fascinating life and it was fun to follow as she jokingly walked me through silly experiences, hard work, terrible lows, and eventually her current state of great success (on Twitter ;)) and hobnobbing with even bigger celebrities.

Growing Up

“My mom came to stay with me at college. One of the football players came over to me and asked ‘wassup with the new prospect?’ I couldn’t believe he was tryna push up on my mom. When I told her, she shrugged it off and said, ‘He’s not the first. He won’t be the last.’”

“I used to resent my parents’ ‘We’re broke. Money is tight.’ line. I couldn’t wrap my head around how two people with full-time jobs never had money.” “In order to pay for my schooling at Duke, my dad got a second job working the late shift at a department store.”

“Marietta was the sheltered high school girl who was very responsible, predictable, and organized. Retta [my new college persona] liked to let loose a little more”.

Early LA Years

“I called my parents to tell them my comedy star plans. My mother said, ‘Well, if you’re going to do it, do it. Don’t half-ass it.’ I couldn’t believe she said ‘ass.’”

“I’ve been throwing a Christmas party for my gal pals in LA for 15 years. Each year, I try to do something new that will surprise my friends. One year, I threw a makeup-themed party — everyone got one of each of their favorite products, cookies in the shape of lipstick, brushes, etc. And each friend got a personalized cake with the logo of the product they couldn’t live without.”

“I landed a college agent who specialized in booking campus tours across America. For the next two years, I did more than 300 shows. I’ve been everywhere and done stand-up in every state and corner of this country.”

Making It Big

“One time, I live-tweeted the movie ‘The Holiday.’ So many people tried watching it on Netflix that Netflix got overloaded and it wouldn’t load. Someone tweeted, ‘Oh my god, Retta, you crashed Netflix.’ So maybe I wasn’t solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but I thought if this is the only way I make my mark, I’ll take it.”

“My thing is if I feel like you’re right, I’m gonna say it. I’m not too smart to learn a lesson. I’m gonna be like, ‘You’re right’ and my excuse is ‘I didn’t know.’ If someone calls me out on my shit, I’m going to take the time to hear and respond accordingly.”

“What I really want is not the skinniest body; it’s to live a life where I can be a normal human being. There are plenty of people in the world who are fit who don’t punch in the food they eat on the phones every ten minutes.”

“I’m a super organized person, but that’s different from being disciplined. If I was disciplined, I’d be the size I want to be and I’m not.”