Top Quotes: “Speaking of Race: Why Everybody Needs to Talk About Racism — and How to Do It” — Celeste Headlee

“My grandparents had to get married in Tijuana, Mexico, because marriage between a Black man and a Jewish woman was illegal in California, where they lived. That’s personal.

He had to build a six-foot fence around his home to protect his children — my mother and her brother — from violence. At that time, people were dragging mixed-race families out of their beds and beating them, or even setting their homes on fire. I look at my mother sometimes and think about how lucky I am that she survived.”

“The secret is, I try to use my pushback as an invitation to a conversation instead of a slammed door after an angry exit line. Not, “You’re racist, you piece of crap!” but “Wow, that was a racist thing to say. Where did that come from?” If they respond, as they often do, by avowing that they’re not racist, I ask if I may explain why their remark was inappropriate.”

“Conversations about race should focus on triggering consideration and deliberation — that is, on switching someone from System 1 to System 2–rather than on trying to intercept the instantaneous thoughts that bubble up from the psyche.”

“The psychologist Carl Rogers suggests reading the following paragraph to yourself before you engage in a fraught discussion with another person:

I’m interested in you as a person, and I think that what you feel is important. I respect your thoughts, and even if I don’t agree with them, I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that you have a contribution to make. I’m not trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand you. I think you’re worth listening to, and I want you to know that I’m the kind of a person you can talk to.”

“You must be able to understand how they actually see themselves and their worldview before anyone is engaged in (a] conversation. You have to be clear with yourself that you are willing to not believe what they’re saying, but to be able to argue it the same way they would, to be able to reiterate back to them: “Here is your argument. Here are your facts for it. Here’s why you think this is true,” in a way that they can honestly say, “Yes, that’s exactly what I believe.” Because there’s no way you’re going to convince somebody that they’re wrong if you have not first convinced them that you fully understand what they believe and you’re rejecting it.”

“”Can we talk about this?” It’s an important question, and it only takes a few seconds to ask. “I don’t agree with what you’ve said, but I’m curious to hear more about your thinking,” you can say. “Is that all right?””

“In these particularly heightened moments [like a highly publicized incident of police violence], please avoid asking your Black friends, “Are you okay?” Before you ask them how they’re doing — which demands an answer they may not feel ready to give — you should ask for consent. I’d suggest saying something like, “If you feel like talking about what’s happening, I’m here to listen. I understand why you wouldn’t want to discuss it, but I care about you and I’m here to support you, should you need it.” This lets them know you are available for support while allowing them the space to pass on the exchange if they’re not feeling up to it.”

“Ethically, racist remarks should be verbally noted, delineated as racist, and denounced, but further discussion is not encouraged unless others express their desire and consent for further exploration. (These rules, of course, differ for leaders or people charged with the safety and conduct of others. In those instances, discussions can be compulsory.)”

“Recently, I was discussing trans rights with a friend, talking about the need to protect people in the trans community, since they are so much more likely than others to be the victims of violence in our society, and I used the word “hermaphrodite.” My friend could have scolded me, if she chose, and told me that most people no longer use that term and instead say intersex.” She could have said that I’m old and ignorant (one of those adjectives applies to me). However, she simply corrected me, saying, “You mean ‘intersex,’ and then the conversation continued. Later, I researched the term in order to truly understand why the word I used had fallen out of favor.”

“If you’re in a discussion with someone whose goal seems to be conflict, even if they’re a family member or friend, tell them that you’d love to discuss the issues calmly and respectfully, but will not engage in an argument. Invite them to talk about it at a later time. Then walk away.”

“Do your best to start the conversation on a positive note. I’m not suggesting you imitate a Walmart greeter, but you can create an opportunity for both of you to share a positive moment. Again, science validates the power of integrating these moments into an exchange. When someone feels proud of themselves at the outset of a discussion, they’re more likely to be open-minded during the rest of the exchange.

In a series of experiments conducted in 2002, participants were given information that proved they had made mistakes or bad decisions. Some athletes learned about what had led to a recent defeat, for example, and other participants were informed that their behavior put them at risk of contracting HIV. However, before they took in the unpleasant information, some of the participants were asked to describe a time in their lives when they lived up to their values. Those who had started by feeling proud took the later correction in a healthier way than those who had no such preparation. The study report explains that “self- affirmed individuals are more likely to accept information that they would otherwise view as threatening, and subsequently to change their beliefs and even their behavior.”

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with sharing this information with someone before you enter a tough discussion, since knowing that it’s a mind trick doesn’t lessen the positive impact. I’ve started conversations by saying, “I’d love to talk about this without arguing, and I read that talking about something you’re proud of makes you more open-minded. So you tell me about the best thing that’s happened to you in the past month, and I’ll do the same, and perhaps we can start off on the right foot.” There could even be a benefit in making the practice of offering respect a joint exercise.”

“If you’ve ever taken an improv class, one of the first exercises you’re taught is “Yes, And.” You are partnered with another student, and one of you makes a statement. From there, everything you say to each other must begin with the phrase “Yes, and…””

“A couple of months ago, I overheard an argument in the grocery store between a husband and wife. The wife said she was afraid the country might be headed for civil war and the husband countered, “You’re not really afraid of that.” With that response, he was quite literally telling her that he knew her emotions better than she did and implying she was lying about her feelings. She said, “Yes, I am!” and they began to argue while standing near the pasta selection.

In conversation, it’s never appropriate to counter what someone tells you about their own lived experience. And it is certainly not a show of respect. There must be a shared acceptance that what they have to say is not the truth but their truth.”

“It’s really about normalizing differences of opinion, acknowledging that we are coming at this from very different places and that’s okay. I might say, “‘As you know, I’m a strong supporter of Black Lives Matter, and it sounds like you’re not. I’m sure you have good reasons for why you feel that way and I’m very interested in hearing more about your perspective because I know you’re a good guy. I care about you a lot. And I bet if we talk this through, we can come to an understanding that makes sense to both of us.”

“Perhaps these ideas have never seen the light of day because the other person hasn’t ever had a chance to talk about them with anyone and actually reflect on the opinions and feelings that have accumulated. So it’s not enough to just ask people what they think.

It’s not even enough to let them talk. You have to let them talk without judgment, without interruption. And when they finally finish talking, you have to ask them if there’s anything more you need to know. Because a lot of times people will talk until they’re exhausted but not until they’ve said everything that’s on their mind. Keep them going until they have spilled everything out.

That’s the point at which they will kind of emotionally recalibrate. They’ll get centered again, and you can start having a real conversation. They need time.”

“One way to signal to the other person that you’re receptive to their point of view is to use language that acknowledges their contributions. For example, you can respond with “I think what you’re saying is “…” or I understand that you think is “…””

“The first email was sent in 1971.”

“1 get that,” he answered. “But those books always make it look like every slave owner was a monster.’

I had a choice to make in that moment. I remember gazing at him for what seemed like a long time, weighing whether to engage him on the subject of “good slave owners” or say something noncommittal and return to my reading. In truth, my silence probably lasted only a few seconds before I opted to have the conversation and smiled at him.

“It sounds like you don’t think all slave owners were immoral, and I am interested to hear why you say that. Talking about this stuff is tough though, so I’m going to get myself a coffee.” I gestured to the Starbucks kiosk on the other side of the brightly lit lobby. “Can I buy you a drink?”

He wanted a cappuccino. When I returned with the drinks, he had moved, with his luggage, to a seat closer to mine. We talked for about fifteen minutes while we waited for the shuttle, and then another thirty-five minutes during the ride to the airport.

I have no idea how much influence the free cappuccino had, or if anything I said changed his opinion of slave owners, but I do think I gained a better understanding of his position as the descendant of a plantation owner in North Carolina. I also think he better understands my feelings, as the descendant of both a plantation owner and a slave.

By the time we parted, me heading for the security line and him for the Delta desk, he took my hand and thanked me for talking with him. “I’m going to remember our conversation,” he said. “I think I learned a lot.”

I can’t say for sure what he learned. Maybe he was simply ready to have a conversation about race and I happened to be there. But I do know it’s never a mistake to try to make people feel comfortable when you’re talking about something discomfiting. Allaying his fear may have made the conversation seem less scary, and our exchange might make him more willing to have another discussion in the future.

That’s why I suggest you openly acknowledge the difficulty of the conversation and consider what you can do to lower the tension. Move to comfortable seats, step inside to get out of the heat, or head outside to enjoy fresh air and a view of trees. Pause briefly to assess whether you’re in the right place and whether it’s the right moment.”

“We know the ability to control our behavior influences whether we react to criticism with openness or defensiveness, and we know that we are less able to self-regulate as the day progresses.* Taken together, these findings suggest that people are more open to negative feedback in the morning than they are in the evening.”

“Instead of using the term “microaggressions,” I sometimes talk about the small insults and offhand comments that erode my well-being like death by a thousand cuts. I’ll ask someone if they know anyone who is passive-aggressive, always making comments that sting or belittle. Just about everyone has experienced this kind of hurt in some form. They understand that those remarks can build up over time until they cause real emotional trauma.”

“There’s solid evidence that hedging language — words like “might” or “could” or “may” — is ultimately more persuasive than confident declarations that you’re right. Making a declarative statement can be satisfying emotionally, but not effective as a discursive tool. For this reason, it’s best to avoid using words like “because,” “therefore,” or “actually.””

“”Wow,” I saíd. “We disagree on a lot of issues. But I bet I can find something we have in common in three questions or less.”

It took three questions, and the shared belief was that autumn is the best season of the year.

“I’ll bet you a dollar,” I saíd, “that I can find ten more things we have in common.”

“You’re on!” he answered, laughing,

In about fifteen minutes, we discovered eighteen shared opinions. For example, we both agree that dogs are better than people. He bought me a coffee, and though we didn’t speak about race or religion or politics, we made a connection. While not ideal, it’s a start. That bond of respect might make him more open to future conversations. He may be less afraid to engage because our interaction didn’t result in a fight, and sometimes that’s what progress looks like. One step at a time.”

“One exception that I use often is “Can you help me?” Asking for help is a powerful trigger for human beings and often elicits a positive response. I will say, “Can you help me understand this?” or “I think I get what you’re saying, but can you help me make sure?” In this case, the response you want is one word — yes — but it leads directly to more questions and more discussion.

Open-ended questions often begin with the famous sextet: who, what, where, when, why, and how. These interrogatives nearly always serve you better than verbs. Consider the difference between these questions: “Can you stop saying that word?” versus “Why do you keep saying that word?” Here’s another example: “Is there a reason why you’re ignoring me?” versus “What do I need to do to get your attention?” You can even memorize some open-ended openers, or, as negotiators describe them, interrogative-led questions.” Some useful phrases are “What happened when…?” or “How did you feel when …?” or “What do you think of …?””

“There is one particular follow-up that works well in many situations: “How do you know?” If someone says Native Americans are spiritual people, you can ask how they know that. Create chains of questions in order to dig deeply into someone else’s thought process or background, and to nudge someone to give you specifics about a claim they’ve made.”

“Always begin with curiosity. Take the time to consider what you might want to know about the other person. If you truly don’t know what to ask, fall back on TED: tell, explain, describe. Encourage them to tell you more, to explain what they mean, or to describe what a particular experience was like. TED phrases are not questions per se, but inputting statements that urge someone to keep talking. They’re versatile, and they often elicit enthusiastic responses.”

“After the 2020 presidential election, one of my neighbors was bemoaning the fact that Donald Trump had lost.

I asked him, “Why do you think nearly all Black people voted against him?”

He said, “I think Black people have been duped for a long time into believing that Republicans are racist.”

“I strongly disagree with that, and I’m interested to know why you believe it,” I responded, “How many Black people do you know well? Well enough to invite to your birthday party?”

He thought for a moment, looking off over his left shoulder, and then said, “I think you’re the only one I know well.”

There are many things I could have said in response, notably that we are not actually close or that neither of us would ever invite the other to a party at our homes or, if invited, attend.

Saying that, though, might have led to an argument over a hypothetical situation, which is an argument that cannot be settled. Instead, I asked, “So you believe that I’ve been duped?”

He was quick to say no, that he thinks I’m smart and knowledgeable about political issues. I told him I was confused because he implied that Blacks vote a certain way because they’re ignorant of the truth, but he only knows one Black person and doesn’t think that person is ignorant.

“I’m just talking in general,” he said.

“When you speak in general,” I answered, “there’s a real danger of generalizing about people, and those generalizations can easily become stereotypes. Imagine for a moment that I know a lot about political issues and chose not to support Trump anyway.

Why do you think I voted the way that I did?”

I was asking him to put himself in my shoes, to imagine that he was a Black Jewish female, and consider the issues of the election from my perspective, assuming that I’m as smart as he is, as reasonable as he is, and as invested in the outcome as he is.

To his credit, he spent several minutes listing all the reasons he thought I might not vote for a Republican right now.

“I see what you’re saying,” he told me, although I hadn’t spoken for several minutes.

“I see why you might think Republicans aren’t on your side.””

“Force yourself to decelerate and hear every word, all the way to the end of their final sentence. Then say, “Okay,” to signal that you want to respond. Take a breath so you have time to consider, and only then begin speaking. If things grow heated, take a break. You can say, “I’m starting to get worked up, so give me just a moment to think through what I want to say.” Then take your three conscious breaths for thirty seconds and return to the discussion.

Experts in public speaking have long suggested a variety of ways to slow down your speaking pace as well. For example, you can ask someone to tell you when you’re speaking too quickly, you can take a sip of water occasionally, or you can learn to take a short pause every time you make an important point.”

“The voice is the most accurate tool we have for correctly identifying someone’s reaction to what we’ve said.

What’s more, the research on facial expressions may not be capturing the full picture. For one thing, most research subjects are quite similar: they are mostly white, relatively young, and middle class or higher on the income scale; We know that facial recognition gets more difficult when we’re analyzing faces of people from a different race from our own.”

“The two of you can mutually agree to take note of the mistakes you might make while in discussion and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Essentially, you agree that you’re both entering the conversation in good faith, that you have a shared goal of increased understanding, and this mutual trust endures throughout the conversation and not necessarily beyond.”

“Acknowledgment of responsibility is the most important component of any apology, followed by an offer of repair. To mend the damage, you should be specific in describing what actions you’ll take, instead of merely saying “I’Il be better in the future.” What, specifically, will you do? If the offer of repair is not precise, it is not measurable. And if it can’t be measured or tracked, there is no way to hold you accountable accomplishing it.

Often, when investigation reveals patterns of racial discrimination, companies issue statements like “We will make diversity a priority.” What does that mean? How would we know if they achieve that? That kind of promise is empty and useless It doesn’t commit the company to any course of action, and the same is true of any apology that makes no specific guarantee of change or reparation.

A strong apology would sound something like this:

I’m very sorry that I called you angry and told the group you complain too much [expression of regret]. I understand now that saying these things about a woman of color not only plays into racial stereotypes but also encourages others to downplay your concerns [explanation of what went wrong]. It was a disrespectful and racist thing to say, and you were right to call me out [acknowledgment of responsibility]. I am sorry that I’ve hurt you, and I assure you that I will never say such things again [declaration of repentance]. I would also like to invite you to join me at the next senior managers’ meeting, if you’re interested, so we can talk about the issues you’ve raised and discuss the right strategies for addressing them [offer of repair]. I value you as a colleague and hope you can pardon my mistake.”

“The product designer Peter Skillman has noted that kindergarten graduates generally outperform MBAs on what he calls the Design Challenge, or the Spaghetti Tower, in which teams must use dry spaghetti, tape, and string to build the tallest structure possible that will support a marshmallow on top. Kids are used to playing together, adults are not.”