Top Quotes: “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” — Gary Chapman

Introduction

“The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than the divorce rate of first marriages. The divorce rate in third marriages is higher still.”

“When you make a request of your spouse, you’re affirming their worth and abilities. You’re in essence indicating that they have something or can do something that’s meaningful or worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you’ve become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know that my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that she cares about me, respects me, admires me, and wants to do something that pleases me.”

Words of Affirmation

“You may want to try giving indirect words of affirmation — that is, saying positive things about your spouse when they’re not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you’ll get full credit for love. Tell your wife’s mother how great your wife is. When your mother tells her what you said, it’ll be amplified, and you’ll get even more credit. Also affirm your spouse in front of others when they’re present. When you’re given a public honor for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your spouse.”

“I told Andrea that if Mark happened to give her a compliment, she was not to give him a compliment at the same time, but rather, she should simply receive it and say, ‘Thank you for saying that.’”

Quality Time

“1. Say ‘I know you’re trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you’ll give me 10 minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.’ Most spouses will respect such a request.

2. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, ‘What emotion is my spouse experiencing?’ When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, ‘It sounds to me like you’re feeling disappointed because I forgot ____.’ That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you’re listening intently to what he’s saying.

3. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movements may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she’s really thinking and feeling.

4. Refuse to interrupt. Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. If I give you my undivided attention while you’re talking, I’ll refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating my position. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective isn’t to defend myself or to set you straight. It’s to understand you.”

“One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about 3 things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. I call that the ‘Minimum Daily Requirement’ for a healthy marriage. If you will start with the daily minimum, in a few weeks or months you may find quality conversation flowing more freely between you.”

“1. Ask your spouse for a list of 5 activities that he’d enjoy doing with you — don’t assume you know. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next 5 months. If money is an issue, space the freebies between the ‘we can’t afford this’ events.

2. One way to share quality time at a distance is to include your spouse in your day as it’s happening. Send a photo of something you saw on your walk to the office or relay a funny incident that happened in a meeting. One woman said, ‘My husband sent a photo of him, my daughter, and my dog sitting on our front porch. I was at work and it made me feel like I was hanging out with them.’

3. Think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you. Tell your spouse that you’re trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join them in this activity sometime this month. Set a date and give it your best effort.”

Gift Giving

“Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years. They may be gifts you’ve given or gifts given by other family members or friends. The list will give you an idea of the kind of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving.”

“Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don’t choose a book that you want them to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your spouse has an interest: sex, football, gourmet cuisine, investing, childrearing, religion, history.”

“My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner. A wife may say to her husband after he gives her a criticism, ‘It sounds like that’s extremely important to you. Could you explain why it’s so crucial?’ Criticism often needs clarification.”

Acts of Service

“1. Consider serving someone (or something) your spouse loves: an older relative, caring attentively for a pet, a favorable cause.

2. Print note cards with the following:

‘Today I’ll show my love for you by…’ Complete the sentence with a task you know your spouse would love you to do: picking up the clutter, taking old clothes to a thrift store, fixing something that’s been broken a long time, wedding the garden. (Bonus points if it’s a chore that’s been put off.)

3. Ask your spouse to make a list of 10 tens they’d like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your spouse to priorize those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love.

4. While your spouse is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting, ‘Surprise! We love you!’ Then share your act of service.

5. This can also work when your spouse is away for a long period of time. Recruit the kids to help you with some act of service for him. Take a picture of the results and send it — or, even better, show it to him via Skype and yell, ‘Surprise! We love you!’

6. If your requests to your mate come across as nags or put-downs, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, ‘The yard always looks so nice, and I really appreciate your work. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Paul & Amy come over.’

7. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that neither of you wants to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home.

Run interference for your spouse during his favorite TV show. Take care of all the phone calls, kid emergencies, and so on.”

Physical Touch

“Sitting close to each other as you watch your favorite TV programs requires no additional time but may communicate your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he’s sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.

Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you’re limited only by your imagination on ways to express love. Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge. If you haven’t been an ‘under-the-table toucher,’ you might find that it will add a spark to your dining out. If you’re not accustomed to holding hands in public, you may find that you can fill your spouse’s emotional love tank as you stroll through the parking lot. If you don’t normally kiss as soon as you get into the car together, you may find that it will greatly enhance your travels. Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her home sooner. Try new touches in new places and let your spouse give you feedback on whether he finds it pleasurable.”

Conclusion

“3 ways to discover your primary love language:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you’ve most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.”

“Ask, ‘how is your love tank tonight?’ Zero means empty, and 10 means ‘I’m full of love and can’t handle any more.’ You give a reading, and your spouse says, ‘What could I do to help fill it?’

Then you make a suggestion — something you’d like your spouse to do or say that evening. To the best of his ability, he will respond to your request. Then you repeat the process in the reverse order so that both of you have the opportunity to do a reading on your love tank and to make a suggestion toward filling it. If you play the game for 3 weeks, you’ll be hooked on it, and it can be a playful way of stimulating love expressions in your marriage.”

“Children need to learn how to receive and give love in all 5 languages. This produces an emotionally healthy adult. Thus, parents are encouraged to give heavy doses of the child’s primary love language, then sprinkle in the other 4 regularly.”

“I don’t believe a child’s love language changes at 14. However, you must learn new ways to speak the child’s primary love language. Whatever you’ve been doing in the past, the teen considers it childish and wants nothing to do with it.

If the teen’s love language is Physical Touch, and you’ve been hugging and kissing him on the cheek, he may well push you away and say, ‘Leave me alone.’ It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need Physical Touch; it means that he considers those particular touches to be childish. You must now speak Physical Touch in more adult dialects, such as an elbow to the side, a fist to the shoulder, or a pat on the back. Or you might wrestle your teen to the floor. These touches will communicate your love to a teen. The worst thing you can do to a teen whose love language is Physical Touch is to withdraw when the teen says, ‘Don’t touch me.’”

“I’m frequently asked how to apply the love languages to long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance.

If your love language is physical touch, then here are a few creative ideas for speaking another’s love language. First, having photos of yourself as a couple may remind you of enjoyable times together. Having physical items that belong to one another may also remind you of each other. Perhaps a shirt or the cologne or perfume of your significant other may remind you of that person or enjoyable times together. You also should email, text, write, etc. about how you enjoy being with one another. You might even try keeping a calendar on which you physically mark off the days until you’re able to be together again.

As for quality time, the time you spend staying in contact, working to encourage one another, sending each other notes and gifts, etc., is quality time. Of course, it’s not the preferred form of quality time, but it’s quality time nonetheless. You must learn to view it and appreciate it as such.

More specific ways you can express the language of quality time are to talk often about how you desire to stay close and keep your love alive.”