Top Quotes: “The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships” — Suzanne Stabile

Introduction

“Enneagram teaches us that there are nine different ways of experiencing the world and nine different ways of answering these basic questions about life: Who am I? Why am I here? and Why do I do the things I do? How we build and maintain relationships varies significantly from one number to another. Looking through the lens of the Enneagram makes it possible to better understand ourselves and others, increase our acceptance and compassion, and navigate the paths between us.

This book will help in understanding how each of the nine Enneagram numbers sees the world, how they make sense of what they see, how they decide what to do, and how all of that affects how they relate to others. Of course, because this is a book about relationships, it won’t be tidy human interaction can be unpredictable and messy. Sometimes we get it right and other times we’re dead wrong. The good news is that with the help of the Enneagram, we can all do better.”

“1s are called Perfectionists, but they don’t like that title. They struggle with anger but they turn it in on themselves so it becomes resentment. Ones have a hard time believing that they are good enough or worthy because of a constant inner voice that finds fault with everything they do, so they settle for being right or correct. Ones have a judging/comparing mind. They notice error that others don’t see and they often feel a personal responsibility to correct it. They believe every step of a task should be done correctly, so they give their best, do their best, offer their best, and they expect the same from others.

25 are called Helpers or Givers. They need to be needed. Twos give a lot, sometimes for altruistic reasons and sometimes in order to receive in return, although it is usually a subconscious motivation. When Twos enter a room their attention automatically turns to others and asks, “How are you doing?” “What do you need?” “How can I be helpful?” Their motivation is to build relationships by sensing and meeting the needs of others.

3s are called Performers. They need to be and be seen as successful, efficient, and effective. Threes have trouble reading feelings — their own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Threes often hide their anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment until they are alone to deal with them. They like to set short-term and long-term goals and they usually achieve them. They motivate the rest of us to do things we might never have imagined. And when we win, they win.

4s are the most complex number on the Enneagram. They are called Romantics, and their need is to be both unique and authentic at the same time. Fours believe something is missing in their lives and they won’t be okay until they find it. They are comfortable with melancholy and often get energy from what is tragic. They are the only number on the Enneagram that can bear witness to pain without having to fix it. Because they value authenticity and abhor disingenuousness, Fours naturally elicit more depth in their encounters with others.

5s are called Observers or Investigators. Fives want adequate resources so they never have to depend on someone else. They are the most emotionally detached of all the numbers. This kind of detachment means that they can have a feeling and let it go. They manage fear by gathering information and knowledge. Fives have a limited, measured amount of energy for every day so they are careful about what they offer to others and when. It is extremely brave of them to show up for relationships because it costs them more than any other number.

6s are called Loyalists. They need to feel secure and certain, yet they have a lot of anxiety about possible future events, a world full of threats, and the hidden agendas of others. Sixes manage that anxiety with worst-case scenario planning, order and rules, plans, and the law. They don’t want or need to be the star — they simply do their part and hope everyone else will too. With their loyalty and steadfastness, Sixes are the glue that holds together all of the organizations we treasure and belong to. They are more concerned about the common good than any other number.

7s are called Epicures or Enthusiasts. They take delight in the best possibilities. They need to avoid pain, and they quickly reframe any negative into a positive. Sevens fool themselves into believing they have a full range of emotions, when in fact they live most of life on the happy side — life is to be experienced and enjoyed. This means repetition is not desirable and routine is a turn-off. Sevens are also masters of denial, managing fear by diffusing it. Yet they have a special way of uplifting people around them. Truthfully, we would have a lot less fun in our lives without them.

8s are called the Boss or Challenger. They are independent thinkers who tend to see everything in extremes: good or bad, right or wrong, friend or foe. Anger is their emotion of choice, but it doesn’t last long. While Eights don’t invite forthrightness, they want and respect it. Their focus is outside of themselves and they are always for the underdog. Eights are passionate! They have more energy than any number, giving everything they have to what they are doing or what they believe in, and engaging most with people who are willing to go all out.

9s are called Peacemakers or Mediators. They are the least complex number on the Enneagram. They have the least energy of all the types because they try to keep in anything that would cause conflict and keep out anything that would steal their peace. Nines are the most stubborn number. They manage their anger by being passive-aggressive. They have the gift and the problem of seeing two sides to everything, so they are prone to procrastination and indecision. In relationships, Nines are loyal and like to be close. They are self-forgetting, setting aside their own needs and agendas to merge with others.”

8s

Me, Danna

“In the context of relationships, doing as a first response often seems aggressive to other Enneagram numbers who are more oriented toward thinking or feeling. So Eights need to stop long enough to consider that for some, thinking must come before acting, and for others, feelings determine what action will be taken and when. This isn’t just a matter of preference it has to do with how we see. For example, Fives and Sixes think it’s outrageous and irresponsible to take such quick action since they are so sure people need to evaluate multiple options and outcomes first.

But any kind of pause is difficult for Eights since they want to have control over what’s happening inside of them and in the world. Sometimes Eights act too quickly, leaving no room for other perspectives or to allow others to offer what they have to give. Even so, people still look to Eights to make decisions and lead, expecting them to slow their pace, explain the plan, and ask for suggestions.”

“Eights in average or below space may be tempted to get even with people who have treated them or others unjustly.”

“Eights have good boundaries for protecting their own space, but may be unaware that they are getting into others’ business.”

“In my workshops, Eights talk a lot about being betrayed, frequently naming some of the people who have been disloyal to them. I listened to Eights tell these stories of betrayal for a long time before I began to say things like, “I wouldn’t call that betrayal — don’t you think it could have been a mistake?” Or, “I think that was a poor choice, but I wouldn’t call it betrayal.” When I reframe these events for Eights, they seem surprised. It doesn’t occur to them that what they experience as betrayal might be something else, or might be very different if viewed from the other person’s point of reference.”

“The last thing an Eight wants is to hurt someone they love. When they discover they have hurt you, their inner response is far from mechanical. Even if they maintain their composure, they suffer greatly and are devastated to learn they have taken advantage of your vulnerability in any way.”

“At their most unhealthy, Eights are combative, possessive, arrogant, uncompromising, and quick to find fault.”

“8s and Others

1s: Eights are committed and energetic like Ones, but they don’t share the same focus: Ones generally focus on the problem, and Eights focus on the solution.

25 & 5s: Eights share a line with both Twos and Fives on the Enneagram, moving to Two in security and Five in stress. Eights need tenderness, affection, and awareness of the feelings of others from Twos. Eights need a Five’s ability to move slowly, gathering necessary information before acting, as well as the ability to appreciate times when neutrality is of value.

3s & 7s: Eights do really well with Threes and Sevens because they all think fast, work hard, play hard, get a lot done, and are not prone to tender feelings. These three types are all oriented to the future and energetic in going after things, and make great coworkers and colleagues.

4s: Eights have a difficult time being present to the mood changes of a Four. But once Eights learn to allow for that they may discover that Eights and Fours actually have a lot in common: they are the most intense and passionate numbers on the Enneagram, and they are both committed to being honest regardless of cost.

6s: Eights have a hard time being patient enough to wait for Sixes. Sixes are methodical so they see things in real time, whereas Eights usually focus on the future. But when Eights listen to Sixes and wait for a response, it can be a win/win.

8s: Eights with Eights represent a lot of passion, so one of them will need to focus inward at times and responsibilities will need to be divided. Keep in mind that an Eight with a Seven wing is very different from an Eight with a Nine wing.

9s: An Eight can have a fascinating relationship with a Nine when both are mature and in healthy space. Nines need to have their own energy, agenda, and understanding of what is theirs to do; when Eights willingly and intentionally follow Nines, that can be a beautiful thing.”

“Eights don’t know that their take-charge aggressiveness makes others feel like their presence is unimportant or unneeded.”

“I believe Eights think they are protecting themselves by being in charge. However, being the one who always leads, controls, and makes decisions in a relationship can be isolating. And it often keeps Eights from learning to handle the surprises that life inevitably brings. It’s important to note that we all protect ourselves from certain things (for example, Nines protect themselves from conflict, Sevens are very conscientious about avoiding pain, and Fours are diligent in their concern about abandonment). Eights are committed to protecting themselves from unexpected emotions, but as you can see with Nadia’s story, Eights need to learn to not run roughshod over everyone.”

“Allowing yourself to stop and consider how you feel about a situation and taking those feelings into consideration before doing will serve you well as you make your way on this fantastic Enneagram journey.”

“Don’t beat around the bush: Eights want communication to be brief, straightforward, and truthful.”

“Be aware that Eights are controlling in relationships simply because they don’t want to be controlled.”

9s

Sirena, Ashley

“If you’re in a relationship with a Nine, you will have to accept that their lives are made up of distractions. Even when intentional about their focus, they often get lost in doing something that isn’t part of the plan for the day. When they get distracted from you, don’t take it personally because it isn’t about you it’s all about how they see. Nines follow whatever passes in front of them, regardless of the task at hand. They frequently tell me that they are constantly addressing their propensity for distraction.”

“Everyone avoids something, and Nines avoid conflict. From their perspective, very few things are worth arguing about unless a decision involves their integrity. They certainly don’t want to waste time arguing over what they call “the little stuff’ — perhaps that is the secret to their peacefulness.

People are drawn to Nines and want to get to know them. But sometimes it feels to the Nine like other people want too much from them — they want to know all about them, who they are and what they stand for. That can be a real challenge because Nines tend to merge with the ideas and agendas of others in order to avoid conflict. And when they do, it often leaves others feeling somewhat confused, wondering if the Nine can be trusted.”

“Nines get energy from avoiding what needs to be done. In fact, some of their best thoughts or most creative thinking happens while they are avoiding the tasks that, for one reason or another, require their immediate attention. However, those in relationship with Nines seldom understand this dynamic, believing the Nine is lazy and assuming that if things are going to be handled, they will have to do it themselves.”

“One of the most appreciable aspects of the Enneagram is that it offers a safety net for every personality type.

The counterpart to Nines merging for the sake of peace in matters that seem inconsequential is called right action, and it is essential for understanding relationships. When a decision to act includes potential for conflict and negative consequences, yet the action is chosen anyway, this is considered right action. Nines are not wishy-washy, malleable people who have no boundaries. But they are people who have a limited amount of energy, and they are mindful about how they use it. There are many things that other numbers take very seriously that Nines just can’t get worked up about. For them, most things aren’t worth the risk and loss.”

“Sometimes Nines appear distracted or disengaged, but that does not necessarily indicate a lack of interest.”

“Disagreement about where to go on vacation or even to dinner can be unnerving for a Nine. But when they know, without a doubt, that they need to make choices that address important and extremely conflictual situations, they proceed without hesitation.”

“They’re quietly stubborn — perhaps the most stubborn number on the Enneagram. They refuse to be nagged or pushed or coerced into doing anything, so if that’s your method in relating to a Nine you will experience a lot of frustration and disappointment with very little success. Nines have their ways of letting you know they are hurt or angry, but none of them are direct. You can avoid getting hooked by the Nine’s vague suggestions and nonverbal demonstrations of hurt or dissatisfaction, but it will take some time, energy, and understanding from both of you.”

“In Enneagram wisdom, the best part of you is also the worst part of you.”

“Since they aren’t good tacticians when they feel angry, Nines buy time with passive expressions of their feelings. They are concerned that direct and aggressive verbal exchanges will result in fragmentation. But they also worry about being able to contain their own anger once they give it a voice and full rein.

If you engage Nines in a difficult conversation because you are angry, they will usually just sit it out until you’ve stopped talking. Then they will methodically avoid both you and the subject until things settle. Regardless of where the anger originates, they will likely choose to go away, making themselves unavailable and believing that with time the problem will fix itself. Nines have to learn that taking leave in situations like this usually increases frustration and anger, leaving things far from “fixed.””

“In relationships with Nines, we often appreciate their merging with our agendas because it means we get to have things our way. Then it becomes both surprising and problematic when suddenly they pop up with a strong opinion or desire that is in conflict with what we want.”

“Nines need lots of affirmation and affection, so if a Nine has the strength to say an honest “no” to you, let them know how much you appreciate their honesty and that you aren’t going away, regardless of their response. Here are some other things to keep in mind in relationships with Nines:

• Nines have their own desires and dreams and preferences — encourage them to name them.
• Encourage Nines to develop their own identity in relationship with you.
• Nines appreciate, and perhaps need, a peaceful environment.
• Nines both want and need alone time, their own space, and independence.
• Avoid saying, “Don’t you think we should?” The answer will almost always be yes, and it will often not be what the Nine thinks or wants. Instead, try asking, “Do you think we should?”
• Focus on what Nines do as opposed to what they forget or fail to do.
• Don’t interrupt when Nines are talking. Make room for them to meander a bit — they will get to the point.
• Remember that Nines have a generous spirit. If you aren’t mindful, it is easy to take advantage of them.
• Nines don’t like confrontation, but that doesn’t mean you should never confront them. Opposing points of view are part of life.
• Encourage Nines to share their grievances with you.
• Nines want clear, direct communication regarding what’s expected of them.
• When a Nine is distracted by nonessentials, you can redirect their energy by asking questions.
• Remember this: agreement doesn’t always lead to participation, and when Nines do participate it doesn’t necessarily indicate commitment.
• • Nines don’t make personal decisions quickly, and they don’t usually want your help.”

1s

Chelsea, Brianca

• “If you’re in a relationship with Ones, know that you will have to contend with a critic that you can’t hear, but that finds fault with most of what Ones do and think, and tells them they are flawed in some terrible, unredeemable way. Unfortunately, their method of coping is to find fault in others — often finding fault in you. They believe criticism is caring, so they have to be taught that not everybody feels the same way about being corrected or encouraged to seek improvement.”
• “This image of steam building up in a pressure cooker is a good way to describe what happens with anger in Ones. Sometimes Ones seethe with anger. This is hard on their relationships and causes deep regret, so it’s very important that Ones, and those they love, get whatever help is necessary to manage their anger.
• Keep in mind that anger in Ones doesn’t usually manifest as blowing up and yelling, but as something a bit more insidious: resentment. When Ones are angry at something, they turn that anger in on themselves first and it feels like shame — shame about the faults and failings of themselves and others. Shame adds a bitter quality that results in a complex resentment, something others need to understand in relationship with Ones.”
• “Since Ones often doubt their value and worthiness, they need to hear and believe that they are good and that they are loved. The inner critical voice is, in some ways, part of the relationship too.
• Here are some other ways to grow your relationships with Ones:
• • Ones tend to offer more criticism than praise, so they will likely be more verbal about what you do wrong than about the things you get right. Teach them that praise often works better for you.
• • Work to avoid making Ones feel like they have to prove to you that they are good or that they are doing things right.
• • Be careful and gentle when you point out their mistakes — it can easily be overwhelming for the One if you come on too strong.
• • Admit your mistakes in the relationship.
• • Value their diligence and honor their high standards without getting caught up in either one. Both represent their way of seeing the world, not yours.
• • Ones appreciate equity — they work hard and they expect the same from you.
• • Ones need you to be loyal and trustworthy because they are.
• • When you’re in conflict with a One, let them know that you want to resolve it. They will need to hear that you are committed to working things through.
• • Ones like to be appreciated for all of their effort, so they tend to like cards and notes and accolades and small gifts.
• • Ones like order, so it will help if you honor that in the spaces you share with them.
• • Be careful about off-handed remarks and teasing. Ones are very sensitive to the slightest criticism.
• • Support vacations and time away from work and responsibilities, encourage downtime at home, and help them verbally process their day.
• •When things get contentious, it’s often about the One’s way of seeing the world and not really about you at all. In those moments, the only thing you can do is wait until something shifts — either in them or in the situation.”

2s

Calvin, Tony, Kartheek, Brianca, Jessica

• “They express emotions so easily you might think those feelings are their own, but that is seldom the case. Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel. That’s a hard truth with many implications for a relationship with a Two.”
• “Twos are very perceptive about what other people want or need from them. At the same time they are usually disconnected from what they need and want from others. One key to relationships with Twos is to help bridge the gap. Here are some other things to keep in mind:
• • Twos experience anxiety when they recognize that they are feeling their own feelings. They don’t know a lot about how to act on their own behalf.
• • Try to help Twos find a way to share with you what they honestly feel.
• • Twos can only process verbally. They don’t think things through — they talk their way through them. You can avoid so much misunderstanding by keeping this in mind.
• • Don’t trust their answer when they say they’re fine or good. Press a little deeper.
• • Twos want honest feedback, but they take everything personally. So if you say, “I don’t like your spaghetti recipe,” they hear, “I don’t like you.” You don’t need to remind them that it isn’t personal; they know that and they’re trying to outgrow that way of thinking.
• • In an intimate relationship, Twos need to hear you say, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing you need to do, there’s nothing you need to be, and there’s nothing you need to help me with. I love you for you.”
• • Encourage Twos to let you address your own feelings.
• • Twos need a partner who is demonstrative with affection. It is very reassuring.
• • Twos need a partner who wants to meet and know their friends.
• • While Twos are happy to be second in command, be sure to acknowledge their contribution.
• • Try to have patience when Twos are overly concerned regarding their relationships with other people. Your impatience with that reality will only add to their insecurity.
• • Anger or disproportionate emotional responses usually signal unmet needs.”

3s

Kartheek

• “Threes don’t like to be wrong, so they justify their behavior by reframing the story and they are good at it, often believing the story themselves.”
• “Even though Threes appear to have endless energy since they measure their days and lives in productivity, underneath it all they are often exhausted. Let Threes know that it’s not the image you love, but what’s beneath it. Here are some other ways to build relationships with the Threes in your life:
• • Don’t assume that Threes have easy access to their feelings.
• • Since their orientation to time is to the future, they’re often distracted during conversations. It usually means something you’ve said has triggered some thoughts for them about something else and they unexpectedly prefer to pursue that line of thinking. Don’t take the distraction personally.
• • They won’t be interested in rehashing things from the past.
• • If they are not intentional, it will be hard for them to talk about what has happened or is happening in their lives at work.
• • Threes don’t lose well, so it’s to their advantage to develop a way of seeing that is less dualistic, less focused on judging things as either good or bad, liked or disliked.
• • Know that Threes want your approval and praise, and they really like it when you verbalize it.
• • Try not to talk too much about negative things. Threes are very optimistic and they appreciate others who have a positive outlook.
• • Avoid over-talking about your relationship.
• • Threes come on strong, but they need you to be softer than they are.
• • Verbalize your understanding of their struggle with image and their need to maintain it. At the same time, try to avoid encouraging image crafting and shape shifting.
• • Threes need to be encouraged to identify and discuss their feelings. Do that, but once they share a thought or two, give them a break so they don’t have to think about feelings for a while.
• • Threes don’t like to be interrupted when they are working on a project.
• • Give Threes accurate and upfront information about what you need. They have a desire to meet your needs — they just struggle to know what they are.”

4s

April, Kartheek, Valencia, Jedidiah

• “The sin or passion identified with Fours is envy. Envy is not jealousy. Fours don’t want your job or your house or your car. Instead, they long for your comfort in the world. They feel that your life is less threatening and less complicated. They also want your happiness — or what they perceive as your happiness. Since they don’t have those things, they envy you. And their envy reminds them that they are considerably different from most of the people they know, so they feel trapped. They want the predictability and comfort of your life, but at the same time they want an authentic life that isn’t like yours or any other life. Fours long so deeply for what they don’t have that they often miss what they do have.”
• “Fours need trust and steady attention in their personal relationships. They want you to be authentic with them — any suspicions of pretense may cause them not to trust you. They will generally prefer fewer mutually loving, one-on-one relationships to lots of social contacts. People who do not shy away from their intensity (and in fact value it), who are calm even when the Fours are volatile, and who cultivate mutuality will find Fours to be wonderful friends. Here are some other things to keep in mind:
• • Don’t be afraid to tell Fours when you feel pressure to be more than you can be or to handle more than your part.
• • Fours need to be both unique and authentic. That will require some compromise at times. If you can be honest about how their style affects your life, the differences can be managed.
• • Fours long for what they don’t have, and they are comfortable with longing. It’s not something for you to fix.
• • It is very important that you tell Fours how their mood changes affect you.
• • Don’t tell Fours to “cheer up.” They are usually neither sad nor depressed. Fours are comfortable with melancholy. But remember it’s okay for you to be lighthearted.
• • If you can learn to model balance and stay present when they are caught in a cycle of moodiness, it will be a tremendous gift.
• • Fours don’t like accusations (perhaps none of us do). Don’t accuse them of being too sensitive or of overreacting.
• • Fours feel like they aren’t good enough or aren’t liked, and they need you to acknowledge their feelings. Affirm that the feeling is valid for them without affirming the premise it is based on. Remind them that you see them as someone more competent, valuable, and lovable than they are seeing themselves in the moment.
• • In the workplace, set clear expectations, trust them to do their own work, give them creative freedom, and recognize their strengths and abilities.
• • Don’t take the pull-push dynamic personally. Allow them room to process their feelings.”

5s

Sarah, Jedidiah

• “Fives are in the Fear Triad on the left side of the Enneagram and they manage their fear by gathering information and knowledge. That information is usually shared thoughtfully and, methodically. It’s standard for them to withhold pieces of information, share their feelings with only one or two people, and manage their reactions with thinking. Although they are unique in their need for privacy and independence, Fives’ boundaries do allow for the exchange of personal information, but only on their terms.”
• “Fives respond to life by asking, What do I think? That’s a great response in moderation, but life presents itself to us in ways that sometimes require feeling or doing along with thinking. Joined by Sixes and Sevens, Fives manage everything in their heads. They prefer convergent thinking, which offers one correct answer, to divergent thinking, which allows for creative ideas that come from exploring many possible sources.
• Their lives are well planned, and spontaneity is neither comfortable nor appealing. They usually have a predictable schedule, a chosen route to work that only varies when necessary, and an organized calendar.”
• “When it comes to a narrative about their personal lives or their views on a timely or controversial subject, Fives tend to withdraw. One Five recently said to me, “I don’t offer my thoughts or my story to many people. It’s about preserving my privacy.” Sharing personal details takes more energy and leads to more questions, all of which the Five experiences as draining.”
• “Along with Fours and Nines, Fives are aware when a situation calls for action, but they are often blind to the possibility that they should be the one to act. They may wonder what happened, analyze how it should be fixed, or suggest ideas to others, but they rarely take initiative to do something. One result of this lack of initiative is that they repress their ability to affect the world. But it’s a cycle: Fives believe that they do not or cannot make a difference, in either process or outcome, so they don’t take action. And then this inactivity feeds into their mistaken beliefs that they have no power to effect change.
• This thinking has serious implications for relationships since it means that Fives often don’t do their part, ignoring responsibilities at work and at home. On a deeper level, those of us who love Fives struggle when they are unwilling or unable to act on our behalf when we need them most.”
• “Fives measure life’s events by how much it will cost them in terms of money, energy, time, privacy, and affection. Fives usually don’t know what to give so they hold back. If you can be aware of that, you can let them know that you notice when they give something without being asked. In a relationship with a Five, also keep in mind:
• • Be clear with Fives about what you need and want, but don’t be demanding.
• • Be aware that Fives don’t always pick up on innuendo and indirect suggestion in conversation.
• • Be forthright and direct with Fives, but don’t use too many words.
• • If you have a problem with a Five, agree on a time to discuss it. Give the Five time to think about your concern and then limit the length of the conversation. Good language would be, “I want to tell you what I want and then you can tell me whether you can give it to me.”
• • If you’re in a relationship with a Five, don’t push them to socialize with other people. That has to come naturally for them; they don’t do well when pushed.
• • Fives have trouble finding their place in what is already happening. You can help by saying, for example, “Would you like to sit with us? We have an extra chair.” Follow that with an introduction like, “Hey, everyone, this is Tom. We work together.”
• • If you ask a Five what they feel, they will tell you what they think. You will have to be persistent to move a conversation to the feeling level.
• • Incompetence and inadequacy are central to the Five’s fear. There is probably never an appropriate time to discuss either one lightly.
• • It is very important for Fives to know what is expected of them. They like details.
• • Fives have a strong desire to live life so that they never have to depend on someone else to take care of them. If they are in a position where they need your care, offer it with as few words and as little fanfare as possible.”

6s

Krystle, Mauricio, Kristine, Sirena, Jessica

• “Phobic Sixes give in to their anxiety and get lost in imagining all the ways the worst could happen, while counterphobic Sixes expect the worst and expend the same energy making a plan for it.”
• “The main thing to keep in mind in relationship with a Six is that trust is a big thing for them. They tend to create boundaries to keep out the untrustworthy, so they ask a lot of questions to get more information. And when they get more of the right kind of information it’s very reassuring, which leads to more trust. Here are some other things to consider:
• Sixes have a deep appreciation for people who are both genuine and authentic, but they don’t trust appearances.
• •They watch to make sure you are who you say you are.
• • Worst-case scenario planning is comforting to Sixes, so take them seriously when they talk to you about what could go wrong. Telling them that they don’t need to worry and that everything is going to be fine will feel patronizing, disrespectful, and dismissive. But do focus on the best possible outcome instead of the worst.
• • Encourage Sixes to trust themselves more and to take more (measured) risks.
• • It doesn’t help to just say things like, “You should trust yourself more.” It does help if you take the time to point out to a Six some previous times when they did trust their own ideas and their own ability to carry them through without checking with anyone else.
• • At home Sixes need emotional attentiveness and conversation. They need someone who is a partner in the everyday details of life.
• • Sixes like friends who are emotionally mature, honest, and not too needy.
• • Sixes often keep their anxiety to themselves. They usually try to manage it alone so they aren’t making it a big deal for anyone else.
• • Sixes require a lot of reassurance — observable and verbal — about your commitment to them.
• • Encourage Sixes to act when they are overthinking. They tend to confuse thinking about something with doing something about it.
• • Point out all the good things they bring to a relationship.
• • Be kind and thoughtful when answering all of their questions.”

7s

Me, Danna, Sina

• “This inability or unwillingness to appropriately deal with feelings is problematic. When others can’t be honest with Sevens about what they feel and what they need, the delayed emotional responses are usually expressed as anger, shame, fear, or perhaps resentment, all of which are damaging to relationships. If Sevens do the work of paying attention to and bringing up feelings, it saves a lot of pain in the relationships that mean the most.”
• “Sevens are typically energetic and charming people. But they can sometimes overvalue their own charm. They avoid limitations — especially those imposed by someone else and they avoid direct confrontation. Using humor and intentional distraction, they can slip away from trouble almost without being noticed. When Sevens do anything out of a sense of duty, their lack of enthusiasm is palpable; they are present, but they hold back on their energy waiting for some future event that is more promising. Each of these characteristics can cause problems with others.”
• “It’s a challenge for Sevens to acknowledge and take full responsibility for their part in conflict without assigning blame to others.”
• “Every Seven I know has a big heart: they are generous and willing to make sacrifices for those they love. But more than any other number I think they feel trapped, caught between their seemingly endless need for stimulation and the needs of others. Listen closely and you will hear a lot of Sevens say, “I want to do whatever it takes for you to be happy.””
• “Sevens think and then they do, without even a nod to feelings. They have to be taught to consider the feelings of others and the consequences of their behavior. And then they have to learn what to do with those feelings, theirs and others’.”
• “Although many numbers fear being abandoned and alone, Sevens are totally afraid of being trapped and engulfed, so they find an escape route in reframing. They intuitively reframe feelings of pain and failure almost immediately as something else.”
• “Sevens change sad feelings into something more positive easily and quickly. With some maturity, they are able to hold sadness or fear before remaking the experience into something that is more comfortable. But until then, they repress sad or negative feelings. Those feelings don’t completely go away. In fact, they resurface at unpredictable times in the future.Their ability to reframe and rename what’s happening allows Sevens to move to a magical place in their heads that has been serving them well since they were children. Joel has a story about the day he got lost at Six Flags when he was five. “The policeman who waited with me at the security tower told me everything would be fine, and I believed him. So I just closed my eyes and used my other senses to imagine that I was riding the rides, eating ice cream, and laughing and playing with my sisters. Honestly, I had a great time.” Every Seven that I know has their own story about the first time they experienced being able to refocus their attention away from fear or sadness toward something much more wonderful and safe.
• But reframing and refocusing can lead to significant problems in relationships, since other numbers don’t have this magical gift.
• When something in the lives of other numbers makes them sad or feels threatening, their response is different from the Seven’s. And out of frustration, these numbers may label a Seven’s reframing of any negative into a positive as immature, irresponsible, and unrealistic. Often, in such circumstances the relationship begins to look and sound like a parent and child relating to one another.
• It’s probably disrespectful on both sides, and the only solution is intentionally choosing to meet in the middle.”
• “7s and Others
• 1s: Sevens can learn from observing Ones in relation to boundaries, self-control, and completing tasks. Ones can benefit from the lightheartedness and spontaneity of Sevens. It’s a good exchange.
• 2s: Sevens need a lot more freedom than Twos. In relationships, Twos will need to be more trusting and Sevens will need to work on sharing their plans: where they’ll be, what they’ll be doing, and when they’ll be available.
• 3s: Sevens and Threes need to be aware of a difference that might be mistaken for sameness. Sevens don’t like to limit personal options. Threes don’t like to limit how many hours they will work. This one is tricky — it requires being intentional about communication.
• 4s: Fours and Sevens are more alike than we might think. In fact, it’s very difficult to tell them apart as children. But they present as opposites in adulthood because of their respective emotional preferences. Fours see the glass as half empty; Sevens see it as half full. If they are willing to honor their differences while trying to bridge them, they have a lot to offer one another.
• 5s: One of the reasons Sevens and Fives can so successfully connect is that they share a line on the Enneagram. That means they can each see themselves in the other. Both appreciate adventure and are easily bored with repetition — that’s a good place to keep coming back to.
• 6s: In looking to the future, Sevens and Sixes usually see things differently. Sevens tend to imagine it better than it will be, while Sixes anticipate it being worse than it will likely be. Both can benefit from a more balanced perspective of the future.
• 7s: Sevens fear commitment, routine, and predictability. Sevens in relationship with other Sevens will find limitations challenging.
• 8s: Sevens think and then do. Eights do and then think. Be careful with this dynamic in relationship!
• 9s: Sevens and Nines offer one another a unique kind of balance because Sevens love options and Nines find too many choices to be paralyzing.”
• “Sevens are with Fives and Sixes in the Fear Triad on the Enneagram, and they most fear being trapped with anything unpleasant. One of their ways of managing this fear is to keep their options open — it’s part of their understanding of abundance. The idea of a stable, secure, measured day-to-day life is a turn-off for them. They want to participate in as many activities as possible, even ones that aren’t on the schedule. But enjoyment of these activities with others is compromised when about halfway through one event, Sevens start to think about what’s coming next.”
• “When Sevens are at their best they are ambassadors for hope. They are lighthearted, generous, caring, and creative, and we benefit from seeing the world through their eyes. But at the worst, they can be opinionated and stubborn. Along with Three and Fights, they need to remember that when they are absolutely sure they’re right, they’re probably wrong.
• When life is particularly stressful, every number exhibits excessive behavior associated with their personality, it’s not pretty in any of us, and in Sevens it becomes frenetic activity that has the potential to undermine their true desires. Thankfully, stressed Sevens have easy access to behavior associated with Ones. With the mature side of the perfectionist influence, Sevens slow down and are more discerning about what they will do, with whom, and when; they are less selfish and more likely to finish things they’ve started. It’s a good move for them, and it’s particularly good for their relationships. One of the common complaints about Sevens is that they don’t follow through, so when they do, it provides healing. Another complaint is that they don’t pay attention to details, but in the One space, they do. And when they access One behavior they find a necessary balance, at least for a time, between dreaming and doing.”
• “Sometimes the enthusiasm of Sevens is misinterpreted as a desire to impose their will.”
• “Sevens repress feeling, attempting to always keep themselves in the happy range. As much fun as that can be, it’s a significant limitation when you consider that the other eight numbers are managing life with a full range of emotion.
• The Seven’s charm is more effective professionally than in relationships. They have to learn that in interdependent relationships they’re not the CEO — other people don’t have to agree with what they say or do what they want. And interdependence is good for all of us, so Sevens need to learn to moderate their ego, at home and at work.
• Sevens believe their needs are simple and few, when in reality they are complex people with complex needs. Many of them struggle with how things can be great one moment in a relationship, and problematic the next. They don’t like it when things are emotionally messy — and relationships are notoriously messy.
• Sometimes with Sevens the problem is getting them to see and admit that there is a problem. Then comes the challenge of dealing with it. So Sevens need to learn to deal with problems as they arise, setting aside their wish that problems would fix themselves. Repairing a significant breach in relationships with those we love the most requires a tenacious maturity that many Sevens have to work to develop.”
• “By refusing to seek fulfillment by any path other than their own, Sevens model for us the satisfaction that’s possible when we acknowledge the inherent value in our uniqueness. That kind of uniqueness needs to be honored and celebrated.”
• “Sevens struggle more than any other number to accept that there is a limit to what they can have. And it’s an even greater challenge for them to accept that there are some things they just can’t have, no matter how hard they try. It has been very helpful for the Sevens I know to learn and commit to a contemplative practice such as meditation or centering prayer. Beyond that, as a way to stop frenetic thinking and planning, it will be helpful if Sevens can learn to use this mantra: It is what it is.
• You can…
• • live into the reality that the growing edge for you will always be where there is pain that cannot be reframed or renamed. You can learn what it has to teach you.
• • dream new dreams, but they won’t always come true.
• • have a life that is filled with abundance and joy, but you won’t recognize it if you don’t also experience scarcity and pain.
• You can’t.
• • manage life with a half range of emotions and you can develop the other half.
• • be responsible and dependable while keeping your options open. You can make dependability one of your options.
• • get where you want to go with excessive behavior. You can moderate your way of being in the world.
• So you’ll need to accept that ..
• • sometimes life is boring, and there is no way for you to reframe that. You just have to live through it.
• • relationships are as valuable for personal growth as they are for enjoyment.
• • people may presume that you don’t go deep because you’re interested in a lot of things.
• • your behavior is often both alienating and charming at the same time.
• • the avoidance of painful, personal feelings doesn’t work well in a long-term relationship.”
• “Relationships with Sevens
• In my experience, when Sevens really begin to work on themselves, the people around them are quick to say, “What happened to you? You used to be so much fun.” Those of us who love Sevens need to be careful that we don’t expect them to show up with behavior we’ve asked them to moderate. Here are some other things that will help grow your relationship:
• • Don’t try to get Sevens to commit to specific routines and schedules. They need spontaneity and flexibility.
• • Sevens need the other person in the relationship to have his or her own energy and interests. Don’t depend on Sevens for constant companionship.
• • When criticism is necessary, be gentle and brief.
• • If you want to share your feelings with a Seven, by all means do that. But do not process your feelings with a Seven. You will need to do that with someone else.
• • Sevens love to be with people, and they really value time alone. It will help if you contribute to making both happen.
• • It’s not helpful to talk to a Seven about their potential. They don’t respond well to expectations, and any talk of potential feels wrapped in expectation.
• • One of the best gifts you have to offer a Seven is encouraging them to allow and experience a full range of emotions.
• • Most adults who are not Sevens have forgotten how to play. Invite a Seven to teach you about the gift of playing.
• • Sevens need the space to freely express their ideas. If you decide to go a different direction, that’s completely okay with them.
• • When Sevens really want something that is within your purview to give them, they are very persistent. It’s like being pecked to death by chickens.
• • Be attentive to their stories. The telling of their stories is often the way they express and share their feelings.”