Top Quotes: “The Power of Nunchi: The Korean Secret to Happiness and Success” — Euny Hong

“What Is Nunchi?

Nunchi (noon-chee): “eye-measure,” or the subtle art of gauging other people’s thoughts and feelings to build harmony, trust, and connection.”

“Nunchi is the art of instantly understanding what people are thinking and feeling, in order to improve your relationships in life. Having great nunchi means continuously recalibrating your assumptions based on any new word, gesture, or facial expression, so that you are always present and aware. Speed is paramount to nunchi; in fact, if someone is highly skilled at nunchi, Koreans don’t say they have “good” nunchi, they say they have “quick” nunchi.”

“The Korean economic miracle has always been based on nunchi: the ability to “eye-measure” other nations’ rapidly evolving needs, to manufacture export products that evolve as quickly as those needs, and to recalibrate plans based on the universe’s only constant – change.

If you still question the value of nunchi, ask yourself why K-pop is even a thing.

Nunchi is woven throughout all aspects of Korean society. Korean parents teach their children about the importance of nunchi from a very young age, on par with lessons such as “Look both ways before crossing the street” and “Don’t hit your sister.” “Why do you have no nunchi?!” is a common parental chastisement. As a child, I remember having accidentally offended a family friend, and defending myself to my father by saying, “I didn’t mean to upset Jinny’s mother.” To which my father replied, “The fact that the harm wasn’t intentional doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse.”

Some Westerners might find my dad’s criticism difficult to understand. What parent would prefer that their child be mean deliberately rather than accidentally? But think of it another way: children who choose to be mean at least know what they hope to achieve by it, whether that’s getting even with a sibling or winding up a parent. But a child who doesn’t even know what consequences their words have on people? A child with no nunchi? No matter how sweet and kind they are, they are likely to be on the losing end of life, unless this cluelessness is trained out of them.”

“That’s how I learned two cardinal rules of nunchi: 1) if everyone is doing the same thing, there is always a reason. I had no idea how to stand at attention, or at ease; all I knew was that everyone else was doing it, so I studied their bodies closely and mimicked what they did; 2) if you wait long enough, most of your questions will be answered without your having to say a word.”

“Because the teachers were always talking too fast for me to follow their words properly or take many notes, I had to discern from the teachers’ faces and tones of voice when they were saying something really important, as in they were probably going to include that topic in the exams. Loud voice, I learned = you will be tested on this. I also noticed, for example, that my seventh-grade physics teacher would hit her palm gently with a stick when she was trying to drive a point home.”

“A skilled nunchi practitioner understands they are seeking answers to these two questions: “What is the emotional energy of this room?” and “What kind of emotional energy can i emit in order to flow with that?””

“An intrinsic part of nunchi is the dimension of change: understand that everything is in flux. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus wisely wrote in the sixth century вс, “You can’t step into the same river twice.” Adapting that principle to nunchi: the room you walked into ten minutes ago is not the same room as it is now. Being aware of your preconceptions, and learning how they can inhibit your powers of observation and adaptation, is a key part of honing your nunchi.”

“Jill didn’t apologize for lateness because she doesn’t care what Jack thinks. You would be reasonable to conclude that Jill is senior to Jack and it’s Jill whom you have to impress. She’s the decision maker.

Developing quick nunchi can help you get that job. It can win you more friends. It can make people take your side even when they aren’t sure why. Great nunchi will smooth your path to success.”

““In the Joseon era which ran from the late fourteenth to the late nineteenth century, multigenerational families lived together in this massive compound,” notes Kang. “Even among the women, it got complicated with a hierarchy of several concubines. It got extremely complicated when there were multiple kids. If you lived in that environment, you had to develop nunchi in order to survive.””

“Buddhism: based partly on acceptance that life is full of suffering, and the way to achieve inner peace in such a world is a life of contemplation and an awareness of the far-reaching consequences of your actions – be that littering or being cruel to animals or people.

Though Confucianism is the belief system most relevant to Hong Gildong’s story, all three religions gave rise to the Korean emphasis on quiet contemplation and an awareness of how your actions can have an impact on your environment.

Kang has keen insight into why Koreans value nunchi so much: “A lot of it comes from the fact that Korea has been invaded so many times,” he said. “Korea was too small to actually fight back, so they had to accommodate these waves of invaders, one after another. How could they deal with these new people coming in – the Mongols, the Manchus, the Japanese? Koreans had no choice but to develop these methods of nunchi.””

“Heo’s team found that better nunchi can make people live happier lives: a high score on the Nunchi Scale correlated with high scores in self-esteem, satisfaction with life, and empathy. His long-term goal with this research is to come up with a way of treating Korean patients within a culturally specific context, by helping them improve their nunchi.

In one study, Heo and his team came up with a list of statements that in their view most exemplified nunchi. They then tested 180 university-age students on their nunchi.

The statements Heo’s team came up with as a measure of an individual’s nunchi included the following. Here, “yes” answers indicate high nunchi levels:

• I feel awkward saying something without knowing the other person’s mood/mental state.
• Even if someone is saying something indirectly, I still comprehend the subtext.
• I am good at quickly discerning the other person’s mood and inner state.
• I do not make other people uncomfortable.
• At a social gathering, I am able to distinguish easily between when it’s time to leave and when it’s not time to leave.

It is clear from Heo’s research that those individuals who are attuned to the emotions of others, and who are able to read the room accurately, find that life is easier than it might be for those whose nunchi is lacking.”

“You can do what I sometimes do when I feel my brain whirring hotly: in my mind, I will repeat or summarize every sentence the person says, as they are speaking. The exercise keeps me from being fidgety; it prevents me from interrupting; and it makes me look as if I am listening rapturously – because I actually am! Listening to someone is the fastest way to earn someone’s trust and affection.”

“How can you “be round”? The next time you find yourself in a conflict, don’t just say whatever comes to mind. First, take a deep breath and ask yourself two simple questions before you think or act: “What am I doing and why?”

Sounds stupid, right? But it works. It doesn’t even matter what the answer to that question is. By asking yourself what you’re doing, you’re getting out of your own mind and plugging into your outside environment – you’re creating roundness.

The question creates an immediate stabilizing force in your brain, as if a rocking boat were suddenly to become still.

Are you about to chastise a colleague for bad work? Ask yourself, “What am I doing and why?” This does not mean you can’t chastise your incompetent colleague – go right ahead; they probably deserve it. But that interaction is much more likely to go in your favor if you ask yourself that question first.

Even if you don’t tone down your behavior or your words, you are going to handle that situation with much more control.”

“In Korea, if a child is impatient-for example, if they are waiting in a long line at the buffet table and complain, “We’ve been waiting forever! I’m hungry!” – the parent will not say, “Oh, you poor thing! I have grapes in my purse and they’re already sliced in halves.” They will say, “Are you the only person in the world?” (Seh-sang eh nuh man isso.) It’s a very common parental chastisement. In other words, “Yeah, kid, everyone in this line is hungry, which you’d realize if you had any nunchi.” Or to put it another way: “It’s not all about you!” It’s a hugely important part of a Korean upbringing, and a crucial concept in nunchi.

Koreans teach this concept to their children in all sorts of ways. For example, Korean schools don’t usually have cleaners. The students form groups and take turns cleaning the classroom each day after school. It’s meant to provide several life lessons. For one, the tidier you are, the less time it takes to clean up. For another, it instills an awareness of the class as a single hive: what’s good for one is good for all.

In 2017, there was a viral video of a car accident that had taken place in South Korea, in a long tunnel. Within one minute, all the cars in the tunnel created a “path of life” so the ambulance could enter the tunnel as soon as it arrived. Each driver rapidly pulled their car over to their far right and parked it up against the tunnel walls to clear space in the middle of the road. There are similar videos from China and Germany. It’s pretty amazing to watch, and it can only happen in a culture that values collectivism and not just individualism.

In some cultures – those that place individualism at a premium – the “path of life” would not be possible. A significant proportion of the drivers would not have enough nunchi to understand what the other drivers were doing.”

“1. (Basic nunchi) Look closely at Eileen’s face and expressions. Does she appear uncomfortable with your remarks? WHY WOULD I LOOK CLOSELY AT HER FACE, WHO DOES THAT? → Game over.

2. (Intermediate nunchi) Does Eileen’s husband seem surprised that Eileen is not drinking? NO → The husband probably knows Eileen best, and he is not worried, so why should I be?

3. (Ninja-level nunchi) Is Eileen slowly sipping one sparkling water, or is she ordering one after the other? → THE LATTER. This may be the compulsion of someone who used to have a drinking problem.”

“Alice frequently complained that her new boyfriend, Stan, could never take a hint. One night, Alice said, “I think it’s better you go back home tonight to sleep; I have to get up really early tomorrow.” Stan said, “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t mind if you get up early! In fact, I could probably stand to try this ‘early to bed, early to rise’ thing.” Alice tried to drop stronger hints until finally she had to say, “Stan, please, you’ve been here all week and I really want the bed to myself just this one night.” Stan was upset and said, “Fine, why didn’t you say so?” As if Alice hadn’t been attempting to do that very thing all along.

If someone repeatedly states something that seems bafflingly oblique to you, such as “Wow, would you look at the time” or “Well, I’ve got a really busy day tomorrow,” it is a sign that you may need to think a little harder about what might be behind their words.”

“In French, the word ennuyeux can mean both “boring” and “annoying.””

“In Korea, the Western “kids will be kids” attitude does not fly. Children are made to take responsibility for themselves at a very early age.

At Korean school, students are expected to infer everything for themselves. Teachers won’t give students convenient written lists of supplies to bring for the next day’s complicated art project. They’ll just say, “We’re making lampshades,” and the students have to work out on their own what materials to bring for that. If you don’t bring the right wire cutters, that’s too bad; the school doesn’t keep tools around and, even if they did, they would never lend them to you, because you’re the one who messed up.

Sometimes teachers will be intentionally vague about vital information, such as where exams are taking place. And yet, guess what? Mysteriously, everyone manages to bring the right wire cutters and show up in the right exam room (even non-Korean-speaking me), because they are taught from an early age to work things out for themselves.”

“If you just arrived in the room, remember that everyone else has been there longer than you. Watch them to gain information.”

“Emptying your mind can mean anything from taking two minutes to close your eyes and focus on your breath before you enter a space, to just mentally reminding yourself to “stay in the room” when you feel your thoughts beginning to spiral.

Before entering any social situation, check to see how you feel. There’s a mnemonic for this that anxiety sufferers use: HALT, which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Are you any of those things? If so, ask yourself, “How might that affect the way I go into this room and what I see there?” Remember the saying: “we don’t see people as they are; we see people as we are.””

“I could have taken a few seconds to do my “nunchi room-entry” ritual, i.e. quietly assessing the existing climate of the room rather than immediately changing it like some obstreperous pizza-delivery guy. Later at home, as I sifted through my mental screenshots of the room, I remembered the following details:

• When Viola’s husband answered the door, he whispered “welcome” very quietly, which should have been my cue that either something was off, or I should at least have turned on my nunchi switch to see what might be happening.
• When I entered the room, no one was smiling – odd for a dinner party. I assumed they were annoyed at my lateness, because when you don’t use your nunchi, you think everything is about you.
• The terminally ill woman was not eating or drinking anything.
• The man next to the terminally ill woman had her hand in his, clasping it in both his hands.”

“Nunchi has three major aspects: one is creating harmony; another is getting what you want; and the third is staying out of danger.”

“Something about his body language made her think he was lying: every time he made one of his supposedly feminist statements, he stared fixedly at a spot on the table instead of looking at the interviewers.”

“Why is it so important to be adaptable to change? Because most people can behave well in the short term. You have to pay attention to see if they can sustain it.”

“When meeting anyone for the first time, watch them to see how they expect to be greeted. Do they look as though they’re planning to bow, shake your hand, do the French bises (cheek kisses), or – believe it or not – none of the above?”

“Maybe a colleague has corrected your errors quietly and with a patient tone of voice, but you can tell from their tense shoulders and nonblinking eyes that they’re furious. The matter is therefore much more serious than they’re letting on, and you’d better snap to it.”

“What if your questions make the person uncomfortable? Are they blushing or stammering or looking around the room? Are they narrowing their eyes with anger? Not everyone is going to say directly, “Well, that’s rude,” but their body language will say it for them and you need to read those signs.”

“I asked my friend Charlotte what her daughter Emily’s favorite color was, because I wanted to knit the girl a shawl. I sent a photo of a shawl I’d previously made. A few days later, Charlotte replied, “I didn’t know you were a knitter these days! That’s a pretty shawl; so skillful!” Very pleasant, but notice the omission: she did not say that I should knit a shawl for Emily. That tact displayed excellent nunchi on her part. The nunchi on my part was that I didn’t knit the shawl.

In my mind’s eye, Emily was eternally four years old, so I had forgotten that she was now a preteen. No child that age would ever be caught dead wearing a handmade shawl.

It’s not Charlotte’s job to tell me, “I showed Emily the picture you sent and she said, ‘Hell to the no””; it would go against Charlotte’s upbringing to create awkwardness. It’s my job to read between the lines.”

“First, ask Darren why he thinks the project should be outsourced – even if you think you know what his answer will be. Pay attention to what he doesn’t say.

He might say, “Too much work to do it in-house – simple as that.” But why is he not addressing the real risk that outsourcing a big project could put him out of a job? Is it because he knows something you don’t? Look at him: does he look smug? Maybe he knows his own job is secure because he’s being handpicked for promotion, and he has no concern for what happens to the rest of you. Or is he behaving in an indifferent and lethargic way about other things? Maybe he plans to leave the company and just doesn’t care about anything. Think about his behavior recently: have there been any signs he’s been looking for a job? Either way, he’s not on the same page as you. He’s thinking short-term.

If you suspect this is the case, appeal to that. Put down your sword and drop your “but we’ll get fired” whining. Offer to do Darren’s portion of the payroll project for him – seriously – to get him to agree with you. Can you really manage the workload of two people? Probably not, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve won. Not only have you eliminated Darren’s only objection, but you’ve also impressed your colleagues and bosses that you’re committed to this project and you intend to make their lives easier for them.

If this task is a top priority for the company, you can ask for extra resources or manpower later. They might even force Darren to do it after all; at that point, he can’t refuse. In the short term, get their agreement, and create harmony. After that, all else becomes possible.

Being good at workplace nunchi means understanding what is being said between the lines, rather than in the official corporate announcement.”

“If you are running the meeting, always – always – ALWAYS offer bite-size treats at the beginning. It needn’t be lunch or anything fancy; even passing around a box of cheap mini chocolate bars is fine. Say (but don’t yell), “Hi there, everyone, I brought [food item].” Make sure you use the word “everyone,” which sets the tone that, at least for the one hour that you’re in that conference room, you are all one organism.

Pass the snack to the person on your left, and tell everyone to “take one and pass it around.” Don’t leave the food in the middle of the table and tell everyone to “help themselves.” That defeats the purpose. It’s that circular motion of passing the treats that creates literal connection.

It ignites flow and connection in the room, like a relay race or passing the baton. It’s a way of making people pay attention to others — at least the people to their left and right — which creates awareness of the “hive mind.” This is effective even if people don’t take the food. Furthermore, it creates an activity so that people get slightly less annoyed with their colleagues who are a few minutes late.

This energy circle you have created is a powerful unifying force that will make everyone cooperate better with one another, be more interested in what you and everyone else have to say, and increase the chance that you attain whatever your goal was in having that meeting.

And the exercise isn’t just for them — it’s for you, too! If they’re eating, they’re not talking. Even if their silence only lasts a few seconds, use that precious time to center yourself and take a few deep breaths, and don’t forget to observe your colleagues. Food eventually leads to chitchat. Good. You will learn from the ensuing conversation that Helen has ten dogs who love this brand of sweet, that Siobhàn’s favorite flavor is cherry, that Julie has been dieting her whole life, and that David is half Belgian. For the ordinary person, these are throwaway comments. For the nunchi ninja, there is no such thing as a throwaway comment: it is all valuable data whether you need it now or not.

You will also discern where your colleagues’ heads are at that moment: use those moments to see who looks tired, who looks irritated, who is frantically typing, who never takes your treats when they are annoyed at you. Use this data to adapt the meeting accordingly, and curry favor with those who clearly need it. If someone looks distracted, you should call on that person to give their opinion first to bring them back into the meeting. Your meeting.

Whose ideas always get emphatic nods of assent from the others? Whose ideas always seem to get shut down? Are there two people who always disagree, no matter what? If someone always manages to get people on his or her side by the end of the meeting, how does he or she do that? Do those whose voices get heard have better posture than the rest? Slower diction? Or are they putting nunchi in action — responding to any negative body language in the room by asking encouragingly, “I’d love to hear what you think”?”

“YOU: Oh, OK, so I take it you got permission from Disney, then? Amazing! How’d they get back to you so quickly?

STUPID COLLEAGUE: No, I didn’t get permission. I’m sure it’s fine.

you: Oh, OK, did our legal department finally get off our backs about getting sued? Gosh, they’re so uptight, am I right?

STUPID COLLEAGUE: (pauses) Well, no, I didn’t run this by legal. You know what? I just thought of another idea for where I can find images of cute mice. Disney is too much of a cliché.”